Neener's Castle News of the Realm

tips

2012-02-09T04:05:00.001-07:00

17 Tips To Make Your Life Easier

by Alex Juel

—————-

I received this as an email and instead of saving the email, I decided to post it here so that I know I always have these great tips on my site. I plan on trying every single one of them too. I actually just tried the dryer tip (#17) at the bottom, so we'll see how that one works out. Oh yeah, I probably won't be trying the hair conditioner on my legs for shaving either since, well…I'm a guy. A lot of these tips are things that I can actually use on a regular basis too.

1. Reheat Pizza

Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove , set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.

2. Easy Deviled Eggs

Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing roughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.

3. Expanding Frosting

When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.

4. Reheating Refrigerated Bread

To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated , place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

5. Newspaper Weeds Away

Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.

6. Picking Up Broken Glass

Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.

7. No More Mosquitoes

Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.

8. Squirrel Away!

To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.

9. Flexible Vacuum

To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

10. Reducing Static Cling

Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and — ta da! — static is gone.

11. Unsticky Measuring Cups

Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

12. Foggy Windshield?

Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!

13. Reopening Envelopes

If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Voila! It unseals easily.

14. Smoother Legs With Conditioner

Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair…

15. Goodbye Fruit Flies

To get rid of pesky fruit flies , take a small glass fill it 1/2″ with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid , mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

16. Get Rid of Ants

Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it "home", can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains , but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

17. Info About Clothes Dryers

The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink, ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material – I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like.

WELL…the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film , but it's there. It's wha t is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free – that nice fragrance too, you know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box, well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen This is also what causes dryer units to catch fire & potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water & an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long!

How about that!?! Learn something new every day! I certainly didn't know dryer sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!

Note: I went to my dryer & tested my screen by running water on it. The water ran through a little bit but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen. I washed it with warm soapy water & a nylon brush & I had it done in 30 seconds. Then when I rinsed it the water ran right thru the screen! There wasn't any puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was talking about!

HRH Neenerita

LIFEadvice: Stop the fighting in your family | ksl.com

2012-01-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

LIFEadvice: Stop the fighting in your family | ksl.com

The Truth About Santa

2011-10-10T13:35:00.001-07:00

A few months back, the Tooth Fairy got busted. She left a note for Alice up on her computer, and Lucy figured the whole business out. The Tooth Fairy cursed her need to write notes in elaborate fonts and tried to come up with a cover story, but it didn't fool Lucy.

To her credit, Lucy has kept the secret from her little sister, who still hasn't lost a tooth and deserves to wake up with money under her pillow.

But the Tooth Fairy knew it couldn't be too long before Santa was similarly unmasked. She didn't know when or how, but she knew the days of magic in her house, at least magic of a certain sort, were coming to an end.

And the Tooth Fairy—by which I mean myself—was pretty darned sad about the inevitable, which finally arrived last week.

Lucy and I have been exchanging notes since the school year started. We've talked about all sorts of things—sports, books we'd like to read, adventures we'd like to have, even stories from when I was in third grade. For the most part, though, it's been light, casual stuff. Until last week.

I NEED TO KNOW, she wrote, using capital letters for emphasis. ARE YOU SANTA? TELL ME THE TRUTH.

What do you do when your kid asks for the truth? You tell it, of course, doing your best to figure out a way that keeps at least some of the magic intact.

Here's what I wrote:

Dear Lucy,

Thank you for your letter. You asked a very good question: "Are you Santa?"

I know you've wanted the answer to this question for a long time, and I've had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.

The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.

I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.)

I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.

This won't make you Santa, though.

Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can't see or touch.

It's a big job, and it's an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You'll also need to believe in things you can't measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.

Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he's filled with joy.

With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I'm on his team, and now you are, too.

I love you and I always will.

Mama

We thought you might want to read this touching letter every year, or remember where it is when the time comes to answer your own chid's questions. And since Cozi is an online calendar, we made an appointment for you!

Just click this link and you'll get an appointment placed on your Cozi calendar on December 1st. Set it to repeat once a year and you'll get a reminder to read the letter with every new season.

(Cozi is a shared family calendar, so be careful if you don't want little members of the family to see it!)

New to Cozi? Learn more about our free online organizer and mobile app designed to help manage your busy family life.

Martha Brockenbrough is a writer, teacher and a mom who lives in Seattle. Her recent writing projects include Things That Make Us [SIC] and It Could Happen To You: Diary Of A Pregnancy and Beyond. She is the founder of SPOGG, the Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar, and can be found at marthabee.com.

HRH Neenerita

Telling the Difference Between Avoidance Fear, Wrong-Direction Fear and Safety Fear

2011-10-07T10:51:00.001-07:00

Telling the Difference Between Avoidance Fear, Wrong-Direction Fear and Safety Fear

Occasionally a client will ask the question - How do you tell the difference between a fear to do something, and the hesitancy fear to not do something legitimately, because it doesn't feel right?

Safety Fear: Fear is a good feeling to have freed up and available when required in your body. You want to be able to feel in your body that little fear that says 'something isn't right here'. Its your body's intuition that feels the situation out and responds long before your intellect has a chance to analyze the situation. This is a deep inbuilt survival mechanism we have that helps to keep us safe. it arises in the moment, and should fade/leave soon after you have moved away from the potential threat.

As an example, This can be, "that person is double my size, I am NOT crossing his path!" Your body will respond internally and you will be wise to follow and adhere to that response for legitimate safety.

Avoidance Fear: This type of fear is one that re-triggers habitually under particular circumstances. It doesn't have a deep quality of intuition attached to it, but a startle/anxious over reaction feel to it. It normally feels disproportionate to the situation at hand, as with a phobia. (Example: A spider appears meters away from you and your heart beat starts to pound and you start to sweat and want to run away.) That's a reactive fear that should be ear-marked for clearing. You are in no real danger but you are afraid to do or go somewhere. This type of fear is also heavily linked with public speaking, confronting certain people, and taking well balanced risks. If this type of fear is strong, it can stop you from moving forward and living a happy fulfilling life.

Wrong-Direction Fear: This fear is the one you get when your intuition screams or gently prods you with a ," this is not where I am supposed to be right now!" This is the legitimate fear of being in the wrong place and not feeling right. For example - Sadly a lot of people do this everyday - staying in a job they do not like, the intuition is continually knocking from the inside, saying "you shouldn't be here anymore!" But what keeps people feeling this fear, is the previous fear I just mentioned, the Avoidance Fear.

It's highly advisable to learn to follow this type of fear intuition. If you ignore it too much, you are likely to numb it out, suppress it so far that you don't even hear it anymore. Then life becomes less alive and less fulfilling, you begin to shut down.

Your life doesn't have to go this way.

HRH Neenerita

Distinctions Between Those Who Are Called and Chosen

2011-08-24T11:45:00.001-07:00

Distinctions Between Those Who Are Called and Chosen

By Larry Barkdull Wednesday, August 24 2011

(This article was adapted from my eight-book series on Zion. Meridian readers can receive a free PDF copy of the first book. (Click here to receive your FREE BOOK.)

In this series of five articles on the Constitution of the Priesthood, we have discussed:

Why Many are Called But Not Chosen
The Marriage of the King's Son
Called and Chosen for Eternal Life
Distinctions Between Those Who Are Called and Chosen
The Rights of the Priesthood

Repeatedly, the Lord warns the "many" who are called to eternal life that they risk becoming the "few" who actually achieve that reward. The distinctions between the "many" and the "few" are clearly set forth. It only remains for us to choose.

Elder Maxwell reminded us that premortal worthiness is simply the first of several tests of worthiness that we must pass in order to obtain eternal life: "Just because we were chosen 'there and then,' surely does not mean we can be indifferent 'here and now.' Whether foreordination for men, or fore-designation for women, those called and prepared must also prove 'chosen and faithful.'"[i]

The differences, he said, between the "many called" to eternal life and the "few chosen" for eternal life are faithfulness and submission to the celestial laws that make the gospel and priesthood operative. He stated, "One reason for the distinction between being 'called' and being 'chosen' is that the latter can understand this next reality: the powers of heaven are accessed and controlled only upon the principles of righteousness (D&C 121:36)."[ii]

Among the principles of righteousness that the Lord calls to our attention in the Constitution of the Priesthood are these:

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; that he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.
Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly.[iii]

Babylon's Opposites

The inverse of these principles are those that retard or negate priesthood power: love of money, power, and popularity (attention, recognition, and influence). These things are highly destructive. Their common denominator is selfishness, one of Babylon's hallmark attributes. Babylon would use money, power, and influence to compete, suppress, control, dominate, compel, gratify one's pride, and build a personal empire on the shaky foundation of supposed security[iv]—all "vain ambitions," according to the scripture.[v]

On the other hand, Zion would use money, power, and influence for building the kingdom of God, leveling up the poor, thus providing equal esteem to all people, caring for one another's needs, blessing the sick, comforting the afflicted, clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, and establishing peace.

The attitude of Babylon leads to pride, contention, hardened hearts, withdrawing from the core principles of the Church, and promoting behavior that is akin to persecuting the poor and afflicted. It is Satanic thinking and actions, idolatry, idleness and idle talk, envy, strife, self-indulgence, lying, dishonesty, robbery, inappropriate sexual dalliance, murder, and all manner of wickedness.

Conversely, the attitude of Zion leads to confidence to be able to stand in the presence of God, priesthood power, a growing knowledge of the doctrine of the priesthood, the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, and becoming unto God a king and priest, who wields an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth. The attitude of Zion leads to inheriting everlasting kingdoms, thrones, principalities, powers, and dominions, the blessings of which will flow to a Zion person forever and ever.[vi]

Building a Sure House

In a speech entitled "Beware Lest Ye Fall," President George Q. Cannon exhorted us to become identified with the "few" who are "chosen." Our effort will supersede any other individual attainment, he promised, and the benefits of the priesthood will extend to our children. How we fare in becoming one of the "few" will have a direct impact on our descendants and our ability to build for them a "sure house." He said,

The Lord is weeding out His Church continually. The work of selection is going on. 'Many are called,' the Lord has said, 'but few are chosen.' The Lord is choosing the people now. The Lord is pulling up—in fact, they are pulling themselves up—the unfaithful, the transgressor. The work of cleansing the Church is going on perpetually, and it will continue until Christ comes. What an impressive lesson this ought to be to us! Do we desire to live and to be connected with the work of God? Do we desire our children to be numbered with the people of God? The great desire of some of the prophets and mighty men of old was that the Lord would build them a sure house.[vii]

Clearly, how we respond to the priesthood "call" distinguishes the "few" from the "many." Of the latter group the Lord said, "When I called, ye did not answer."[viii] Our response has everything to do with our eventually being "chosen" or elected.

Joseph Smith was an example. Janne M. Sjodahl and Hyrum M. Smith wrote: "The Prophet Joseph was 'called and chosen' to give to the world the Book of Mormon and to engage in the ministry. God called him, through the Angel, and when he manifested his willingness to obey the call, he was chosen for the work." Then a significant observation, "The call always precedes the election: 'Give diligence to make your calling and election sure' (2 Peter 1:10). He who is called, is sure of his election if he obeys the call."[ix]

Mortal Tests That Challenge Our Calling

"We believe in being true," proclaims the thirteenth Article of Faith. To God, to family, to country, to our brethren, to our covenants, and to the cause of Zion, we believe in being true. The "true" are the "few" who are called to and chosen for eternal life.

The "true" are contrasted from the "many," they who are also called but not chosen because they are distracted by money, power, and popularity; the "many" are they who receive God's power and then misuse it by attempting to dominate and control. In the test of life, the "true" are the "few" who live their covenants despite all hazards; they flee Babylon, as they have been commanded, and they choose Zion over every other consideration.

How we choose between Babylon and Zion is a pivotal element in the test of life; that choice separates the true few from the untrue many. In an article published in the Improvement Era, James G. Duffin wrote:

God chooses his own way of testing men and preparing them for the work he designs them to do. "Many are called but few are chosen." The chosen ones are those upon whom he can rely under the most trying conditions. Tests, in themselves apparently trifling, may determine the integrity of those thought of for more important work.

It is related of the Prophet Joseph that when he was making up his company to go West, to find a suitable location for his suffering people, where they could worship God without being molested by mob violence, one day he invited a number of brethren to take a horseback ride with him.

As the prophet led his little company along the road, he came to a large pool of water, around the edge of which the road made a curve. Without hesitating, the prophet plunged his horse through the water. A number of those with him followed without saying a word, while others followed the road around the pool. It is related that when he made up his company, Joseph selected every man who followed him through the pool of water, and not one of the others was chosen.

"Blind obedience," says one. The key is this: intelligent beings moved by the same spirit act in unison.[x]

Such is the test and condition of Zion people. Tests bring us to the crucible of choosing. The early Saints reached such a crucible when, impoverished and persecuted, they were commanded to build the Kirtland Temple. The act was a kind one. The Lord knew that the key to their deliverance and the redemption of Zion lay in receiving priesthood ordinances and living the law of the celestial kingdom. The administration of these ordinances and the celestial law could be received only in a temple. Thus, the Saints understood from the outset that Zion must be their goal, and "Zion cannot be built up unless it is by the principles of the law of the celestial kingdom."[xi]

A Day of Choosing

When this revelation (D&C 105) was received, "the Kirtland Temple was under construction. The faithful were to receive 'their endowment from on high' in this House of the Lord, for 'the time [had] come for a day of choosing' (D&C 105:12, 33, 35). Those 'chosen' for this blessing would be those whose works had manifested their worthiness."[xii] The "few" priesthood holders who would be called and chosen would be those who lived the law of the celestial kingdom and thus become Zion people.

Likewise, our day of choosing and our deliverance center on the temple and the criterion of worthiness to attend the temple. How we choose—and there are only two choices—is our test: Will we or will we not choose to remain true to our covenants?

Elijah said it this way: "How long halt ye between two opinions? if the Lord be God, follow him: but if Baal [a god of Babylon], then follow him."[xiii] We cannot have it both ways; we must choose. If we choose to keep our covenants and separate ourselves from Babylon, we are promised that we will be "endowed with power from on high,"[xiv] which endowment is the power of deliverance, the power of godliness, and the power to bring us back into the presence of God.[xv] If, on the other hand, we choose to neglect or reject our covenants, we will receive the pronouncement: "Amen to the priesthood or authority of that man!"

Clearly, our day of choosing is today, and how we choose places us in the camp of the wise or the camp of the foolish, for according to the scriptures, only the "wise virgins" will be ready when comes the day of choosing. "And until that hour there will be foolish virgins among the wise; and at that hour cometh an entire separation of the righteous and the wicked; and in that day will I send mine angels to pluck out the wicked and cast them into unquenchable fire."[xvi] Thus, "there are many called, but few are chosen."

The Daunting Test of Riches

Jesus sounded a warning against our tendency to step into the snare of the love of money: "For what is a man profited if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?"[xvii] Sadly, "many" priesthood holders are wont to rationalize their preoccupation with wealth, and thus they choose to remain in Babylon.

When Joseph Smith was incarcerated in Liberty Jail, he issued an epistle warning the Saints about this snare. Parts of that epistle became sections 121 and 122 of the Doctrine and Covenants. Joseph admonished those Saints who would "aspire after their own aggrandizement and seek their own opulence while their brethren are groping in poverty." Care should be given, he wrote, that our hearts not be open to "such high mindedness." Otherwise a condition would prevail wherein "there are many called but few are chosen."[xviii]

As we have discussed, of the "many" who are called to eternal life, only a "few" will ultimately give diligent heed to their calling and move forward in faith toward Zion. The "few" will become the "chosen." Part of the price of becoming one of the "chosen" is choosing God over mammon, one of the most difficult tests of mortality.

When a wealthy young man went away sorrowing after having received the Lord's answer regarding the price for him to become perfect, Jesus turned to his disciples and said, "A rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven."[xix] Embedded in the Lord's explanation is an introduction to the law of consecration. This law is our safety net from the preoccupation of wealth, and it is a key to our becoming perfect. To the rich young man, the Lord said, "If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor."[xx]

Although the rich man was clearly a good man who had lived the commandments, he could not bring himself to accept the law of consecration, which would have covered him in safety and opened the door to perfection. Truly, it is hard for a rich man—or for that matter, a proud, selfish, power-hungry, recognition-seeking man—to lay aside the things of this world and still achieve heaven.

Walking in Darkness at Noon-day

Regarding the "many" who fail to live up to their premortal and mortal callings, who are unwilling to face and overcome the obstacles that cut off the blessings of the priesthood and hinder them from becoming Zion people, President Harold B. Lee, wrote,

The Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind; and the willing and obedient shall eat the good of the land of Zion in these last days." (D&C 64:34.)

I fear there are many among us who because of their faithfulness in the spirit world were "called" to do a great work here, but like reckless spendthrifts they are exercising their free agency in riotous living and are losing their birthright and the blessings that were theirs had they proved faithful to their calling. Hence as the Lord has said, "there are many called but few are chosen," and then he gives us two reasons as to why his chosen and ordained fail of their blessings: First, because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and second, they aspire so much to the honors of men that they do not learn that "the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness." (D&C 121:34–36.)

All these have sinned "a very grievous sin, in that they are walking in darkness at noon-day." (D&C 95:5–6.)[xxi]

They have not sinned ignorantly. They have entered into the new and everlasting covenant and the covenant of consecration and they have set them aside. "They are walking in darkness at noonday."

Quoting the scripture, "many are called, few are chosen," President Wilford Woodruff grieved, "The Almighty has revealed in our day the reasons, but what a mighty host have wrecked their eternal hopes on those fatal reefs—love of the riches of this world, the honors and praises of men, and the exercises of unrighteous dominion.

"[xxii] That is, the "many" know the law and yet only a "few" embrace the law.

This is the day for choosing between Zion and Babylon. We cannot escape the fact that President Young's prophecy is true: Many Latter-day Saints are rich by the world's standard, and yet they, who long for and profess to be Zion people, are too much identified with Babylon. They are walking in darkness at noonday, according to President Lee, and their actions constitute a very grievous sin. They have agreed to follow the principles of obedience, sacrifice, and consecration, but they do not do so.

President Woodruff warned that their behavior carries severe eternal risks. Their pursuit and love of riches, their selfish attitude regarding their time and talents, their insistence upon gratifying their pride with praise and honor, and their demeaning and unequal treatment of others will have the eventual effect of dashing their eternal hopes on fatal reefs. The priesthood cannot function under such conditions; it becomes totally inoperative. Unless the "many" come to their senses and admit that all is not well in Zion, the devil will cheat their souls, as prophesied, and lead them carefully down to hell.[xxiii]

On the other hand, if we align ourselves with the principles of Zion and thus become the "few" who are both called and chosen, our destiny is abundance and eternal life.

Fw: Ten Techniques to Help You Forgive

2011-06-30T12:58:00.001-07:00

Ten Techniques to Help You Forgive

By Joni Hilton Thursday, June 30 2011

They say holding a grudge is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die. And we all know we aren't benefited by hanging onto resentments and offenses. It makes us negative and miserable, hurts our health and paralyzes our spiritual growth. Meanwhile, not only are our offenders not brought to regret or contrition by our angst; they usually go happily on their way and sleep like babies while we lie awake stewing. Yet most of us have a bear of a time relinquishing that bag of rocks. Each one was thrown at us unfairly and, by George, we're not going to forget it.

Some of that inclination to remember hurts is self preservation. If someone is consistently cruel to us, it's human nature to remember it so we can avoid future injury. But many of us go far beyond making a mental note to steer clear of a meanie. Instead we lick our wounds, rehearse our slight to others in hopes of gaining sympathy, and imagine clever forms of retribution, or a least a piercing come-back we wish we'd thought of at the time. Each of these choices makes us feel empowered somewhat, or at least righteously right, but they keep us trapped in our pot of pity, simmering like an old piece of meat until we're tough and tasteless.

And we know this. So how can we pull ourselves out of that stale hot water and move forward into a life of contentment and joy?

Maybe you're thinking, "Well, sure, some folks can forgive, but they haven't had x, y, and z done to them like I have. My wounds are huge!" Really? Bigger than Christ's? Bigger than ten people I could point out who've had x, y, and z done to them TWICE and still forgave? Let's not kid ourselves that our personal bag of woes outdoes everyone else's. The first step is to realize that all of us get dumped on. It's called Life. Get over it. Nobody goes through it with constant applause and good will. You will encounter thoughtless people who hurt you by accident. You will also encounter deliberately vicious people who hurt you intentionally. Christ has told us we must forgive, and he does not ask the impossible.

Is it easy? Is this article titled, "Ten Easy Ways to Forgive?" If you want to do something easy, go watch television or take a nap. It won't advance your progress here on earth, but it will be easy.

On the other hand, if you want to grow and improve, to truly be happy and productive, to finally be rid of that bag of rocks, then roll up your sleeves. Here are ten ways to do it:

Turn your anger to pity. How damaged must this person have been, by someone who should have loved them, for them to behave this way? What on earth happened to the happy-go-lucky little kid skipping off to kindergarten with a cute metal lunchbox and a head full of hopes for the future? We were all innocent once. What happened to this person to make them so bitter, so jealous, so mean spirited? There is a tragedy trapped inside this person's heart, and it has nothing to do with you. Blame lies with someone who ruined them somewhere along the way. Think of how you might convince them that they really are a person of value, a person who can repent, a person who can love and be loved.

Consider a revolutionary thought: Had you met under other circumstances, you might actually have been friends. Picture this person without the history you have together. Imagine meeting them at a party and talking about common interests. Or hiring them for a job. Or working with them on a common goal. Separate the thing they did from the person they are.

Be grateful you're the hurt and not the hurter. What a burden of guilt you'd have to bear if you had treated someone this way. What a relief it is to know you would never be so unkind. They will have to explain themselves one day, and feel wrenching remorse for their actions; you will not. Take solace in knowing that you are living with more integrity and compassion.

This is a hard one, but it's effective. Do something kind for them, anonymously. Think of several kind acts of service and watch what happens—not to them, but to you. It's hard to resent someone we're creating happy surprises for. Take the high road and speak well of them. Refuse to join conversations about this person's faults. Pray for them (aren't we told to pray for our enemies and those that despitefully use us?). Stop planning revenge and see what rushes in to fill that space.

Remember that we are commanded to forgive. It's not as if this is simply an option, or good advice for happier living. Take the task seriously, and refuse Satan's whisperings that you have every right to continue in your anger. Determine that you will forgive them no matter what. A big part of this is to stop waiting for them to apologize. Too many of us are waiting for a heartfelt apology that will never come. And while we wait and ruminate, we rob ourselves of the joy of living and the freedom of letting go and forgiving those who have wronged us. I once was publicly snubbed by someone I thought was a friend and commented to my husband that I couldn't believe she hadn't called to apologize. He reminded me that someone who would do that in the first place, is not someone who would think to call and apologize. He was right—the list of rude "snubbers" and a list of considerate apologists will not match up at any point. So stop expecting them to be you. Just forgive.

Consider the many things you need to be forgiven for—the things from the last week that you think about as you take the Sacrament, the major regrets, the bigger sins, the countless items you're hoping God will forgive you for. And he's told us we cannot expect him to forgive us if we don't forgive our fellowman. Do you really want to jeopardize your own forgiveness by not forgiving others? It's pretty risky behavior.

Give them the benefit of the doubt. See them as God does, as his children who disappoint from time to time. If this were your actual child—picture yourself old enough for this to be the case—you could hope they see their way to better behavior, but you would still love them. They may even have repented of something you're hanging onto, and deserve the chance to enact Christ's atonement. Don't decide they aren't candidates for it; everyone is.

Assume the best. Maybe this is the best behavior they can come up with. Maybe they weren't raised to treat others kindly. Maybe they actually had a good reason for what they did (much easier to imagine with small slights than huge abuses).

If you've been criticized, consider the painful possibility that they might be right. Were they rude and insensitive? Yes, but they may also have been giving you a correct assessment. Take a hard look at what you were told, and see if you might need some improvement. It's humbling, sometimes even humiliating, but when we learn and grow from experiences such as these, we come out the winner.

Choose a life free from scorekeeping. If you've been a bit of a crybaby, stop it. Ban "wah, wah, wah" from your vocabulary and grow up. Choose to think about grander things than passing insults. Again, this does not apply in cases of severe abuse, but in cases where we nurse along grudges over petty offenses. Choose peace. Choose tranquility. Choose service to others. Choose to be known as a person who never whines or rehashes ancient history. Friends will flock to you. And, of course, some of them will inadvertently offend you, and then you'll get to start all over. Okay, I'm kidding there. But you will become more pleasant to be around. And you will enjoy the company of your own spirit so much more. Best of all, you'll be keeping Christ's admonition to forgive, and you'll finally taste the sweetness of the peace and freedom Christ promised us all.

HRH Neenerita

When Perfection is No Longer an Option

2011-05-26T12:22:00.001-07:00

When Perfection is No Longer an Option

By Joni Hilton

"All Happiness Depends on Your Ability to Adjust to Plan B."

Not long ago a dear friend of mine discovered her husband was having an affair. They'd been married 25 years and had two kids in college. Several of us rallied to console her, cry with her, and help her decide whether to leave him or forgive him. Options were examined, righteous anger was vented, and my friend ended up in a swirl of confusion

Some months later they reconciled, and some months after that, she pulled me aside and said, "That Christmas card was what did it. That thing you said about the Christmas card."

All I had done was to point out a simple truth that so few of us want to accept when life throws us a curve, and it's this: Happily Ever After might not be on the table anymore. When a spouse cheats, you can't un-ring that bell. But you can look honestly at the remaining options before you. Do you really want to enter the dating pool again? And even if you look fabulous, do you want a man your age with baggage and any number of grown children who might despise you? Will you be trading one lump of troubles for another? If you choose never to marry again, and just cling to your dignity—which no one could fault you for—will you be happy and fulfilled.

I had told my friend to look 10 years down the road. Her husband (who was at least repentant), would find another wife, undoubtedly younger, perhaps one who wanted children, and they would start a darling new family. "You'll be visiting your grown daughter," I said, "and there, among her Christmas cards will be one featuring your ex-husband, his new wife, their new kids, and your children. Like one big, happy family." Her face had drained of color, as she realized this very real possibility.

"Or," I said, "You could get to work on the relationship, and try to re-build the trust and love you once had. You're also the only two people who have watched your kids grow up, and you share a singular pride in them that no one else will ever duplicate.

Would she have a perfect, un-tarnished, dreamy life where no forgiveness is needed? Nope. But it might still be better than the other choice, to bitterly refuse Plan B and spend her life in loneliness.

Too many of us want perfection at all costs. We've painted a future for ourselves and cannot cope when betrayals, illnesses, financial setbacks, or natural disasters rock our world. We cry, we scream, we rail against the brick wall that has suddenly arisen in our pathway. For some of us, it's all or nothing—if we can't have Perfect then we don't want anything at all.

And that's a sad choice. But you see perfectionists like this all the time: Artists who never finish a painting because they can't stand one tiny flaw in it, people who never entertain because they can't do it with all the bells and whistles. So they do nothing. Women with messy houses who don't even try because they know it can't be perfect. Folks who alternate between anger and depression because, like countless others, they had to sell a house they couldn't afford in the first place.

I wrote an article years ago, urging women to become imperfectionists. Deliberately relax your standards. Eat the crooked cake. Wear the old coat. And you'll find the world keeps spinning, your friends still love you, and all hell did not break loose

Our culture has a peculiar relationship with the word, "Perfect." Because Christ told us to "be ye therefore perfect," the notion started that we had to be perfect in all areas immediately. Short of this, we could never get to the Celestial Kingdom. From there the rumor swirled further off track into the wild idea that women had to turn out perfect children, perfect quilts, perfect jars of jam--all in a row, gleaming-- and perfect houses.

One of my sons claims that sixty years ago women in the U.S. began taking Benzedrine and Dexadrine (originally developed to keep fighter pilots awake) by the thousands. "That's why everyone in the 50s was skinny and had clean houses," he maintains. And I actually remember thinking, "Hey! I want to be skinny and have a clean house!

Flash forward as the concept grew (or diminished?) into what we find today: Women addicted to exercise or plastic surgery so they can look perfect, women who must have perfectly scrapbooked lives, women whose kids are pushed into 80 activities a week to achieve heights beyond measure. Short of this they are deeply depressed and confused about their value.

And it's nuts. First of all, perfection as it is spoken of scripturally, means "complete" and that means complete through Christ. It means we all fall short, so we must repent and come unto him, and allow his atonement to make us clean. Through Christ only, our flaws are swept away as we pledge our hearts to him. It has nothing to do with hairdos, home accessories, photo albums, straight As or trophies. And it's not something any human being can attain through their own mortal efforts. In short, these (mostly) women are trying literally to do the impossible, and earn their way to heaven without Christ's help, doing it totally on their own. Like I said, it's nuts. How can someone who is trying to get around God's Plan ever be happy? Yet that's what they're doing

That's not to say I think good grooming, scrapbooking, or getting straight As is a waste of time. It's just that these pursuits are not supposed to morph into idols of worship. And that's what has happened to far too many perfectionists.

Some of these women apply this same demand for perfection to their marriages, and want their husbands to be instantly perfect as well. They sand, they buff, they polish, they do everything but drive him into the arms of someone more accepting, and then they wonder why their husband is so sullen or angry.

In reading this over, my husband said, "What about men? You haven't said much about men having this problem." Well, to be honest, men don't suffer from perfectionism as much as women do. A recent study at Auburn University found that men "tend to be risk takers, so they accept that they may fall flat sometimes… Women , however, care more about what others think…" And thus men are far more content with themselves than are women (and some would argue that many men think they're already perfect!) So, while there could be a rare man with this affliction, it's mostly a Woman Thing.

Some women are furious that life has dealt them some hard blows while others seem to coast along in ease and luxury. For those who cannot abide the fact that life happens and sometimes you get a raw deal, remember that fairness is a childish concept. There is no magical fairy flying around and waving her wand to make sure everyone has the same amount of tragedy and trial, the same number of sprinkles on their cupcake.

You play the ball where it lies; you don't throw a tantrum and go home.

You look at what's left on the table, and you make the best of Plan B. Let's use an analogy in honor of President Uchtdorf. Imagine you're an airplane pilot. You've mapped a course and chosen your altitude. But as you're flying along, suddenly there's a mountain you didn't know about. A pilot with any brains makes a course correction and navigates the new terrain, right? Imagine stubbornly refusing to do that, and smacking into the side of the mountain because you can't adapt to change!

Often, trials are huge and even tragic. A period of grieving is required, especially with the loss of a loved one, through death or divorce. But healthy people eventually look forward and move ahead. Life is different, but still livable.

We embrace the fact that Christ makes up the difference and that it's only through Him we can attain true completion. We look at striving to do our personal best, and measure our intentions, instead of the results that often depend upon other people's choices. Especially with parenting, we have to remember to evaluate our efforts, not necessarily the results.

My friend is thriving in a refurbished marriage where both of them are trying harder than they ever have. And she's genuinely happy. Does she wish the affair had never happened? Of course. But she's adapting beautifully to Plan B, and finding there are other paths to joy and fulfillment when the perfection door has closed.

HRH Neenerita

“For He Satisfieth the Longing Soul”

2011-03-25T08:42:00.001-07:00

"For He Satisfieth the Longing Soul"

By Darla Isackson

You know how a scripture sometimes jumps out at you? I had that happen recently. It was Psalm 107:9: "For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness." Oh, could it be so? With all my inconsistency in spiritual things, could my longing, hungry soul somehow one day be satisfied?

Here are some of the things my soul longs for, hungers for.

I Long for Spiritual Consistency

"Be consistent!" How often I've heard those two words of very good advice—I know, I know, I know I should be consistent. Yet nothing has seemed further from my grasp. The sweetness of the Spirit is beyond description, and the days I don't feel it I'm truly bereft. Yet when I scan journal pages over the years, a recurrent theme is recognition of my spiritual inconsistency. I could title the story of my life: Confessions of a Consistently Inconsistent Person.

In one entry I had recorded Alma's exhortation to his brethren to "be watchful unto prayer continually" (Alma 34:39), followed by, "What happened to my resolve to pray always—to turn my mind continually to the Savior? How is it possible to forget so quickly, to get so 'busy' that such an important goal in my life could be counted as less important then my never-ending to do list? Surely the Lord will help me get back to keeping prayer foremost in my mind."

Months later I re-read that entry and added, "I have to smile sadly at the pattern: I do well for a time, then lapse—in my morning writing, scripture study, prayer, exercise, work on family and picture history, you name it."

The Key Is Consistent Re-Starting

My life seems to be a perpetual emotional roller coaster ride; illness, pain, and personal weaknesses speed me down the track to the bottom, and spiritual longings push me back up to the top. I never give up hope, however, because I always start again, try again, go back to the pattern that works for me spiritually! My early morning devotional time is so vital. When I miss it I feel at loose ends all day. But I'm learning to be gentle with myself on days I'm in survival mode and only manage the bare essentials. And I start again the next day, or the next!

The Lord instituted the sacrament weekly so that each Sunday I can "come back," start again, and get the Lord's help to overcome the results of inconsistent spiritual effort.

We are commanded to attend our meetings, listen and be taught gospel principles over and over as part of the invitation to "come back." We have so many chances to "re-start," so many sources of spiritual motivation to help pull us out of natural-man downward spirals.

I love to use Nephi's "nevertheless" principle: Even though I am inconsistent, nevertheless, after all I can do, the Lord, in his great mercy, forgives the rest and makes up the difference as long as I keep coming back to him. He alone is totally consistent, and He consistently comes to my aid.

I Long for Spirit-Guided, not Compulsive Service

My "longing soul" longs to be able to do more, serve more. I hear constant media reports of calamity and more drastic needs than the whole church population can fill. Sometimes I think the modern media coverage is a curse; I'm so easily overwhelmed with just the needs in my family and ward, to say nothing of the millions affected by global disasters! It hurts my heart to know of so much suffering.

In Relief Society last week the lesson was on service. From the manual we read, "Christ-like service grows out of genuine love for the Savior and of love and concern for those whom He gives us opportunities and direction to help." (Gospel Principles, p. 161, emphasis added.) That last phrase gave me comfort. As long as I'm seeking and listening to direction from the Holy Ghost, I will know which part of the massive need is my personal assignment—which He is giving me "direction to help." I can let go of the rest, knowing God is in charge, not me.

I often feel driven and compelled to keep pushing, though, when my body is crying out for rest. What I want instead of compulsion or guilt-driven action, is to be led, guided, and inspired. The Spirit renews and refreshes. It doesn't waste us away and leave us useless and spent. The Spirit heals, the Spirit motivates, the Spirit is the source of enthusiasm, which means, "God in us." Let me give you a recent example. I knew I was being prompted to write a book of comfort for those who had lost a loved one to suicide, but I resisted and procrastinated because I was afraid not only of the mountain of work it would take but of the emotional price I expected to pay. When I actually responded to the prompting, the year I spent writing the book with the help of the Spirit was the most healing, the most spiritually edifying ever. I have to tell you I was stunned because it was so different from what I expected—and only because the Spirit was involved!

I remember Elder Parley P. Pratt description of the effects of the Holy Ghost:

"[His influence] quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands and purifies all the natural passions and affections; and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, develops, cultivates and matures all the fine-toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness and charity. It develops beauty of person, form and features. It tends to health, vigor, animation and social feeling. It invigorates all the faculties of the physical and intellectual man. It strengthens, and gives tone to the nerves. In short, it is, as it were, marrow to the bone, joy to the heart, light to the eyes, music to the ears, and life to the whole being" (Key to the Science of Theology, 9th ed. [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1965], p. 101).

I long for continuing person experiences with the effects of serving when guided and enabled by the Holy Ghost.

I Long to Rest and Relax When My Body Needs It

Still, my deep, unrelenting problem seems to be the inability to really relax and rest even when I give myself the time. Recently I asked my wise e-mail friend, Debbie Avila (who is mostly paralyzed by muscular dystrophy, bedfast and dependent on a respirator for years), for her wisdom on this subject. She has become such an inspiration to me. She replied:

You asked me how or what I do to relax my body and mind. In all honesty dear, I try not to anticipate or precipitate anything in my life, I used to, but, my belief system is, I can't control anything in the first place. I do believe that being "prepared" as much as I can be gives me peace and I do my best to keep near the Holy Ghost. If my thoughts are peaceful and my environment is orderly, the rest doesn't become anxiety.

I do several things for relaxation that serve me besides leaving my will on the temple altar in my mind. One, I listen to Vivaldi, to violin and harp CDs; I read a poem and ponder and then drift away for enough time where I feel capable of going forth. I may listen to a book on tape or a talk, anything that centers me and balances my velocity.

Socrates warned us "Beware of the busyness of life." There can't be rest/relaxation if we are putting our trust in ourselves. (If we do that we are actually becoming our own gods, trusting the arm of flesh.) We can't do everything, dearest girl, and sitting down or laying down in quietude is actually a form of worshiping and keeping healthy which is "the word of wisdom." I remember well that Jesus went off, away from doing and everything around in order to commune, rest, relax and probably sleep!

Serpent-like thoughts that haunt us, telling us we should, could be doing more and, definitely better are all negative. They are not good! In Moroni 7:12 a prophet of God tells us, "Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil." Nephi begs the Lord to help him tremble even at the "appearance of sin" [evil]. Such thoughts definitely have the appearance of evil to me. So, why do we allow these labeling thoughts nestle into our hearts?

Darla, there is sin in accepting this lie that you're not doing enough or well enough and that when you're just being it is judged by Father as shameful. To my understanding, when you buy into that you're simply holding yourself back, telling Father you know best, you have a better plan of happiness then Him, that He hasn't given you sufficient to fulfill your mission, that you would rather believe the distortion Satan has planted in you instead of His word, promises, covenants and priesthood. I don't think you consciously "think" these thoughts but, this is the root and your body is, without hesitation, going to react to those false conclusions. Just try at any moment your thoughts are condemning and pricking you to use your agency to be the master of self.

I used to go to the temple every Wednesday for as long as my body allowed, and I relished every moment. But, here again, I had that season but only a season and it was acceptable to the Lord, and me. BECAUSE it was always for Him, through His grace and I never was simply "doing" for doing-sake or out of guilt or any other reason beside. I was able then, loved it, and chose to.

I'm slowly "choosing" to be less perfect—less perfectionistic. And it's wonderful! I'm actually letting Debbie be Debbie and feeling Father's joy and pleasure in that. Darla, as you understand the gospel and continue to grow in it, you'll then try to be humble enough where you allow Father's approval, appreciation and the trust which HE has in you! Rest in this hammock of light and radiance which He gratuitously proffers us. I'll leave you with these thoughts and a tight embrace full of love and friendship !

I Long to Live in the Present Moment

Debbie's reference to a hammock of light reminded me of a beautiful picture I cut out of a magazine of a woman in a hammock silhouetted with a sunset in the background.

The caption reads, "Accomplish nothing. It stirs the soul."

Sometimes I long for more soul-stirring moments. I love times when I feel totally alive to nature without so many distractions. There is great joy in the serenity of nature, in pausing to listen to my heart, in being still so that the still, small voice can speak and be heard. In our frantically busy culture there are so few spaces for silence, and how can we hear the still small voice above the din of traffic and media?

It's important too, to focus in the moment on those we love. I've done so much better in my "grandma" years at slowing down to capture golden memories. Memories such as laying on the grass watching little boys run and play, watching Malachi chase bubbles, seeing tiny Thayne discovering the delight of grass and dirt and water in his first summer outdoors. Listening to Nathan and Ammon giggle when I push them high, high, high, swinging in the hammock with granddaughters, feeling the joy of loving and being loved.

You might think I wasn't getting anything done in those moments, but what an accomplishment it is to be alive in the moment, and to love.

I Long to Keep Technology in Its Place

I'm always super slow to embrace the latest technology, but I usually get there eventually. My husband got me an iPod for Christmas, and even though it took me a month to learn to turn it on and off and another month to learn to program anything on it, here I am, wired in yet another way! It's wonderful to listen to music when I'm typing. It's inspiring to listen to scriptures while I'm cooking dinner. It's an incredible convenience to be able to read a good book anytime or any place.

However, the other day someone rang our doorbell and with the I-Pod in my ears I didn't hear them. They finally left and had to come back later. This got me to thinking: how many times are we distracted from the needs of the present moment by technology. The most drastic examples might be car wrecks caused by diversion of attention to texting or talking on a cell phone while driving. My husband and I have had a few relationship wrecks partly because I was e-mailing and he was watching TV when we should have been paying attention to each other in the moment! My goal is to take advantage of the incredible blessings of access to light and truth and beauty through technology without letting it steal my ability to focus on what matters most in this very moment.

I Long for Clarity—and Charity

I read a novel about a teen-age girl who always resented the fact that her brother, who died when she was two, was the hero in the family. (The Secret Journal of Brett Coltin) She felt eclipsed, unimportant, resentful. She later found this brother's journal (written to her) and found out that she, as a baby, had been his source of comfort and joy—the thing that gave him the courage to keep trying in the face of his pain and fear with the cancer that was killing him. This brother that she resented so much had adored her! That new knowledge transformed her thoughts and feelings. It was a vivid example that things are rarely as we think they are. I wonder if anyone in mortality really comprehends more than small glimmers of light and truth. We know so little. We all see through a glass darkly. I know I often make wrong assumptions, misjudge, and simply don't see things as they are or people as they are. I don't open my eyes and heart because of fear and defensiveness. Oh, what an amazing jumble I can make of things when I don't see clearly and when I don't act with charity.

To get to the root of the problem, I know I need a change of heart: I need natural man darkness driven out of my mind by the light of the Lord.

Alma 5:7 offers direction for achieving what my soul longs for: "Behold, he changed their hearts, yea he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word." Only the Lord and the power of his word can change my heart, bring me from darkness into light, awaken me to all the things of God. Whenever I am in the midst of darkness, I must turn to the Lord and to the Light of His everlasting word.

I Long to Rise and Walk

In 1 Nephi 14:1-2 we read, "He shall manifest himself unto them . . . in power . . unto the taking away of their stumbling blocks." It is not self-help books or workshops or counseling that take away stumbling blocks—but the power of Christ. (although His power can be manifest in any venue if the people involved are true disciples.)

Stan Winchester, after years of struggle to recover from the results of having been grossly abused as a child, said, "I know it is by the power of Christ miracles happen, but I have found it has often been "after all we can do." When we have learned the lessons, had our faith tried, or fulfilled His purposes, then it seems these stumbling blocks are removed or sometimes they become stepping stones for us to move to higher ground. I think one of the most important lessons our Father in Heaven is trying to teach me is "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted . . . for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God." (D&C 101:16). I am learning (slowly I might add) to accept my limitations and trust God knowing one day, whether in this life or the next all His blessings shall be mine."

I have found inspiration in the life of a woman I know well who was in a wheelchair for nearly 18 months. She was totally incapacitated, yet the doctors could detect no physical malady. She finally learned that failure to use her own agency was holding her there! She was being "acted upon" big time, afraid to make a single decision without her husband's approval. Once she chose God as her guide and was able to say, "God first. He wants me to do this, so you may like it or not, but He is my guide," She rose and walked! She had power. She has done amazing things since.

I sense there is an application here. When I totally accept God as the guide of my life and free myself from all other voices, my energies that may be frittered away on anxiety and stress are freed up to do His will and fill my life's mission.

I have prayed, "Oh Lord, let it be so! I long to be free of all other considerations. Free to fly. Free to live in the moment, free from fear, free to feel Thy guidance and have the Spirit to help me do what I need to do. I turn my life over to Thee. I ask for angel help. I ask the Spirit to lead me and help me do it all with joy!"

Conclusion

I return to the assurance in Psalms that the Lord will satisfy the longing soul. He knows the thoughts and intents of our hearts. Whether here or hereafter, He will help us accomplish our righteous desires and become who He knows we can become.

I know the Lord is mindful of us and helps us fulfill our righteous desires. I experienced that reality as special people miraculously appeared in my life offering precisely the help that I needed at different stages of writing the book I referred to—a book that I know is part of my mission. All things truly do work together for our good, as the scriptures tell us. (Romans 8:28)

In my journal on April 17, 2005, I wrote, "At church today we sang the last two verses of 'Sweet Is the Work.' I looked it up when I got home. The words were written by Isaac Watts, who died in 1748—but they spoke to me right now. These words, which refer to the next life, gave me just the reassurance I was needing that we are purposefully working here to expand our possibilities hereafter."

Sin, my worst enemy before,

Shall vex my eyes and ears no more.

My inward foes shall all be slain,

Nor Satan break my peace again.

Then shall I see and hear and know

All I desired and wished below,

And every pow'r find sweet employ

In that eternal world of joy

Nothing could be more satisfying than that!

HRH Neenerita

Faith that Lets in the Light: Experimenting with Radical Faith By Wallace Goddard

2011-03-18T08:58:00.001-07:00

Sometimes our faith is weak, formless, and flavorless. Sometimes it is nothing more than a dim sense that God exists somewhere in the universe.

Maybe a metaphor captures a life with weak faith. Maybe it is like being shut up in a musty, dank cottage. Windows are boarded up. Doors are latched. In place of sunlight and the singing of birds, we have dust floating aimlessly in semi-darkness. In such a place it would be quite natural to feel weary, dispirited, and aimless. We may even feel trapped, anxious, and fretful. We sag from one burden to the next. We may resent life and wish to be done.

Mortality is crowded with such sensations. We worry about losing our jobs. We wish our marriages were more animated. We feel spiritually inadequate. We wish our children were more like so-and-so's children. Darkness threatens us on every side. We get tired.

We can distract ourselves with furious activity. We can resign ourselves to emptiness. We can kid ourselves. We can surrender to the darkness. But the underlying reality is that we often feel worried, tired, inadequate, and afraid.

Call in the Light

In the darkness, a voice speaks: "Look to me in every thought; doubt not, fear not" (D&C 6:36). God invites us to pull back the drapes, throw the doors open and call in the light. But instead, sometimes we merely tug on the drapes or rattle a doorknob.

We might accept God's offer of relationship on an "appointment only" basis. We sense His presence during times of prayer and scripture study. We turn to Him during times of need. We dedicate parts of the day to Him on the Sabbath. But perhaps we imagine that He is not concerned or involved with the ordinary tasks and encounters that make up most of our week. Perhaps we fail to involve Him during vast tracts of our daily schedules.

Vibrant faith is more than believing that God shows up in our lives once-in-a-great-while to rescue us from epic challenges. It is more than believing He appreciates our time during prayer and worship, but prefers to remain uninvolved when we are sitting in a work meeting, getting the children off to school, or listening to music in the car.

Those beliefs are wrong. According to King Benjamin, God shows up in every breath we breathe and supports us in every movement we make (Mosiah 2:21; 4:21). He is woven intimately into every moment of our lives—if we choose to see Him there. Radical faith calls us to see God in every detail. God invites us to chat with Him about everything from our furnace to our children's science fair projects (Alma 34:17-27). While He may not weigh in on our choice of brands for green beans, He is glad to sit with us at dinner and rejoice in the magnificent gift of good food (D&C 59:18).

Experimenting with radical faith means not placing our relationship with God on the shelf for large chunks of each day. It is inviting Him into all aspects of our lives. It is looking for His orchestration in the people and experiences placed in our path each week. It is accepting the gift we are offered when we partake of the Sacrament—"that they may ALWAYS have his Spirit to be with [us]" (D&C 20:77, emphasis added).

Seeing God's Goodness

I define faith as the stubborn resolve to see God's goodness in everything that happens in our lives. When we do this effectively, we are exercising radical—or sweeping, vital, vibrant, drastic—faith. It changes everything. Those who receive all things—ALL things—with thankfulness shall be made glorious (see D&C 78:19).

A person with radical faith chooses to feel blessed in every circumstance knowing that God presides in our lives. We count sciatica as a blessing that teaches us patience. We rejoice in miscarriages that teach us faith. We welcome misunderstandings that teach us patience and openness. Rather than believe that human failing and reckless chance are writing the human story, we are serene knowing that, as Robert Browning wrote, "God's in his heaven, all's right with the world."

We can receive everything from busted water-heaters to broken hearts as invitations to bring God more fully into our lives. "Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord" (D&C 98:3). If we have faith.

Just as faith is needed in the details of life, even more it is needed in the grand perceptions. I can't count the number of times I have heard people hint that they wish they could remake their marriage decision. "I was young and in a hurry and I thought I was in love. If I could do it again…" Satan steals growth by telling us lies. Generally God puts us with the partner who is perfectly designed to stretch us into greater compassion and larger charity. Rather than trust God's purposes, we imagine that we are suffering the consequences of poor youthful decisions. We chafe. We break covenants. We drop out of the school of faith.

Another big decision: Sometimes we let doctrinal sand in our shoes cause us to throw away our shoes. We may not understand polygamy or some marginal doctrine so we toss out the stunning revelation of a glorious God and His joyous plan.

I am trying to welcome every experience of my life as a divine gift. So, to the person who faces difficulties with life, health, marriage, or children, I invite: Is it possible that God is willing and able to create a blessing for you from this affliction? If so, what would He have you do to turn the challenge into a blessing?

An Example of Faith

A good friend has allowed me to share his story:

I work with children with severe disabilities. I have often seen them discouraged and angry. Many of them will never walk or talk normally. Many of them will never dance or run or play on a playground like most children. Most of them will not live a "normal" life filled with the experiences most of us take for granted.

Justin* was born with severe cerebral palsy, and I have had the honor of being his helper for the past 12 years. He cannot walk without assistance, and he has very little use of his arms and hands. Several years ago the doctors determined that he would have to be fed through a tube placed in his abdomen that goes directly to his stomach. He stays in a wheelchair most of the day, and has equipment to help him communicate, stand, move about, and eat.

In spite of all these "disabilities", Justin has some amazing abilities. His sense of hearing is outstanding. His elephant-like memory will record every word and he will brighten up when topics from one conversation come up in other situations.

He has a special computer that has recorded phrases that he uses to "speak". The only spoken word that is clear in his vocabulary is "Yeah". He does make a modified sign language motion for "no" and in many situations a pretty good conversation can be carried on by reading his eyes and asking him careful yes/no questions.

Personally, I don't know of anyone else that has had as hard a life as this little guy. His mother died tragically in a car accident several years ago. His father has not wanted to be a part of his life for several years, and he has been adopted by his grandparents. All this in addition to his disabilities, is almost more than one person should have to bear. His "Pa" and "Nana" are great, however, and they are real heroes and make great sacrifices to make sure that Justin gets all the attention he needs.

Justin is normally cheerful and full of fun, but one day he was crying and reacting angrily to his caregivers. I had a private prayer and asked to speak with him alone. Because I have known him longer than anyone else in the school, they agreed. I felt impressed to ask him some difficult questions.

"Justin, do you ever get mad because you can't eat food like everybody else?" I asked. As loud and clear as I have ever heard him, he said, "YEAH!" "Do you ever get mad because all the rest of the kids can walk and run and you can't?" "YEAH!" was his reply again. "Does it make you angry that you can't talk like other kids?" "YEAH!" was his quick answer.

I could tell that he was beginning to feel that I understood some of his frustrations and he began to calm down. There seemed to be a sweet peace in the room and I leaned over close to him and whispered in his ear that it was not fair that he could not do any of these things. I felt to promise him that one day, however, his Heavenly Father would make it fair. Justin was listening carefully to me now and I promised him that because of Jesus and his resurrection, one day, he would get a perfect body like Jesus and that he would walk, talk, eat, run, jump, and even turn somersaults.

I asked him if he believed that God would do this and if he believed that Jesus had made it all possible. He gave me a resounding "YEAH!" I told him that I believed it too and that from now on that this would be our little secret.

Since that time he has had some down days. On those days when he seems especially discouraged, I whisper in his ear, "remember our little secret", and he brightens up and smiles and with a big sigh he says, "Yeah!" I have no doubt that Justin will be there on that day, and I have no doubt that Jesus will restore his body to its perfect form. I also know that Justin believes it, because of the way he says, "YEAH" when I ask him if he does. Our Heavenly Father will make up all his losses. [end of quoted story]

Our Challenge

We can have more joy and feel more peaceful as we are mindful and grateful for God's constant participation in our lives. May we invite Him into all aspects of our lives. May we welcome every blessing with grateful hearts. May we face every challenge with the firm conviction that God is blessing us. May we, with Justin, say "YEAH!"

*The name of the boy has been changed to protect his privacy. Thanks to my friend for allowing me to use his sweet story.

Thanks to Barbara Keil for her insightful additions to and refinements of this article.

HRH Neenerita

CBT session 4: Trauma release exercises (TRE)- READ THIS!

2011-03-11T23:00:00.001-07:00

CBT session 4: Trauma release exercises (TRE)- READ THIS!

At my 4th CBT session on Friday, my psychologist taught me a few very unique exercises. I have been taught many exercises before, mostly breathing exercises for panic attacks, but these exercises were very unique and although I have just started, I think that it may have a very positive impact in the end.

Dr. David Berceli is a former priest and has spent a number of years studying how people experience trauma in worn- torn countries, earthquake zones and countries that have experienced genocide. He has developed a system to help people release trauma from their bodies.

Humans and animals the three same reactions to a traumatic event: Fight, flee or freeze. The body will then release massive doses of chemicals like adrenalin to assist the body with whatever response it has chosen to go with.

However where animals and humans differ is after the traumatic event. Many animals will shake violently- this may look disturbing but they are actually releasing the trauma and extra chemicals from their bodies. Once they are done they will gone with their lives, trauma forgotten. Humans on the other hand, have lost this ability. Who of you during a traumatic event will put on a brave face, suck it up and resist the shaking that tries to happen?. Unfortunately by doing this the traumatic memory is stored in our brains and in our bodies at a cellular level and this causes all types of problems.

Dr Berceli's solution to this is simple: SHAKE IT OUT. And he has developed a few simple exercises to help us do so. The main muscle that he focuses on Psoas muscles which is the gravitational center of the body. The first few exercises are all about stretching you hip and leg muscles then you have to lie on your back with your feet together, legs apart and that's when most of the shaking will take place.

Dr Berceli has travelled the world with this technique and has helped solders in Afghanistan and Iraq and has been to places where mass trauma has occurred. Originally TRE was design for PTSD but he found that it could be used as a relief from every day stresses and anxiety. It has been particularly helpful to people with depression.

I did it right there in my psychologists office ( yeah and it was only afterwards that I realized I had a small hole in my pants! oops!). She wrote out the basic instructions for me, but I really encourage you to go and buy the books and instructional videos.

Step 1
Stand with your feet hips-width apart. Roll your feet onto the outer edge of one foot and inner edge of the other foot. Put all your weight equally on both feet. Then role your feet to the other side. Repeat x10 on each side.

Step 2
Stand with one foot forward, put your full weight on that foot, using the foot behind for balance. Rise up on your toe, let your back foot leave the ground. Stand on your toe for a few minutes ( you can hold on to something for balance). Repeat x10 on each foot.

Step 3
Stand on one foot, bend the other knee behind you in the air. Put both hands down on the ground, on either side of the foot for balance. Bend and straighten the leg that you are standing on. Repeat x10 on both legs

Step 4
Stretch your feet wide apart. Put your fists on the small of your back. Bend knees, push your pelvis forward and lean your head back and breathe. Repeat x3 times
Straighten up then turn and look as far as you can over your shoulder and breathe(legs still apart, hands still on back). Change and look over the other shoulder. Repeat x3 for each side

Step 5
Legs wide apart bend forwards, stretch your arms out with your fingers touching the floor. Bend one knee and walk your hands to that foot and breathe. Bend other knee and do the same. Repeat x3 for each foot

Step 6 - My least favorite
Shake body out. Stand with your back against the wall, feet apart and bend your knees- you should be able to see your toes. Rest your hands against your sides. 5 minutes

Step 7- The crunch!
Lie on the floor, push the soles of your feet together, legs apart. Left pelvis about 2cm off the ground and hold. 5 minutes or for as long as you can make it without pain!.
Drop pelvis, with soles of your feet touching lift knees 2cm off the ground for 5 minutes, then 6cm for 5 minutes and finally 15cm for 5 minutes. Rest.

The trembling varies from person to person. Some people start of furiously trembling while others will barely feel a thing. The more you do it the more the trembling will spread. Starting in your legs and hips, moving to your stomach, then chest and head. For you to see any difference you need to commit to doing the exercises every day for ten days.

How it works is whatever you think about while you doing this is what you are releasing. In my psychologists office I began to think about my physical abuse as a child. Some people may get emotional. When this happens my psychologist said to stop and breathe and then continue once it's past.

I have to say that once I went home and started doing internet research I found some videos on YouTube that made me both highly disturbed and very amused. Indeed, they do look a little...strange but you don't go into a trance or anything and it isn't mumbo- jumbo with chanting etc..

From the research I have done, I have heard nothing but praise for this system. From the comments on YouTube, to the articles I read and the reviews on amazon. I have also come across some amazing success stories.

Any of you who decide to give this a try I will be interested to see how it goes. I'm off to give my rabbits one last cuddle and then "shake it out".

Dr Berceli's website
Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE):: A revolutionary new method for stress/trauma recovery.
The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process: Transcend Your Toughest Times
Trauma Releasing Exercises Step By Step Video Instruction and Demonstration

HRH Neenerita

Two Keys for Godly Relationships

2011-02-18T12:50:00.001-07:00

As Jesus traveled in a crowd, she sneaked up behind Him and touched Him—and was instantly healed. Jesus, bewildered his disciples by stopping the crowd and asking who had touched Him. Peter essentially responded: "Are you kidding? You're being jostled by crowds of people and you want an accounting of who touched You?"

But Jesus knew that one of the touches was special. "And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me" (Luke 8:46). Among all the bumping there was a touch that drew something out of Him, a touch that cost Him.

Why did He call attention to this? Did He want to embarrass the woman who had already suffered so much?

"And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately" (v. 47).

He had a nobler purpose than humiliation: "And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace" (v. 48). I think that Jesus wanted her to know that she had not stolen healing from Him; even though it cost Him, He had given it to her gladly. His message was one of love.

Earlier in Luke's account there is another story of Jesus healing diseases and casting out unclean spirits. A key word shows up again in this account: "And the whole multitude sought to touch him: for there went virtue out of him, and healed them all" (Luke 6:17).

Again we see that virtue went out of Him. It cost Him personally to help people. It was not some cheap magic; it was hard-won redemptiveness.

Of course the virtue flowed automatically from Him because He was always ready to give. His default setting was healing and helping.

Relationships Entail Cost

We might well ask, what has it cost Jesus to be our friend, our healer, and our Savior? We cannot comprehend the cost. He paid dearly!

So a key lesson of these stories in Luke is that relationships entail cost. This unromantic first truth about relationships is foundational: We must make sacrifices in order to build, sustain, or grow a relationship.

We tend to think that great relationships should be effortless. They just happen with magical energy. The surest sign of a good relationship is its easiness. A great marriage happens because we have met our "soul-mate", someone who will just naturally understand, love and "complete" us. A great friendship occurs with someone who always fits seamlessly into our life and interests and meets our needs. If people don't fit that bill, then we become disappointed in them and wonder if we chose the wrong spouse or the wrong friend.

While our culture affirms that view, life experience should cause us to reflect. "What we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly." Effortless relationships teach us relatively little; we have fun, our needs are met and then, when we are no longer fulfilled, we move on. They do not change us or cause us to grow. Great relationships challenge us. They force us to give up our focus on self. They educate us in sacrifice and commitment. For example, family relationships generally stretch us for a lifetime.

In God's great directive for heavenly relationships, He provides two keys. One of them is that we "let virtue garnish our thoughts unceasingly" (D&C 121:45). In the context of passages about virtue going out of Jesus in order to bless people, this instruction takes on new significance. Maybe God is inviting far more than wholesome thoughts. I think He is inviting a readiness to appreciate, bless, connect, serve, and heal. He is inviting us to be more like His beloved Son. We, like Jesus, must be willing to sacrifice for the people we love. This may entail offering a listening ear, forgiving someone of their bumblingness or continuing to invest in a relationship even if it isn't perfectly living up to our expectations.

Healthy, meaningful relationships always entail a cost.

Relationships are Built on Compassion and Forgiveness

There was another instruction God gave for godly relationships: "Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith" (D&C 121:45). It would have been more polite and palatable if God had said: "Have hearts full of love." He didn't say that. He went to our bowels which, in scriptural terms, suggests all of our innards. Not just nice feelings. God wants our guts.

He might be saying: "Let everything inside of you have that consuming and redemptive love for the people in your lives that I have for you." Jesus wants more than niceness. He wants whole-souled commitment.

I think that one of the grounding stories in the latter-day Church was told by Elder Boyd K. Packer in 1977 ("The Balm of Gilead," Ensign, Nov. 1977, 59). He told of a much-revered and saintly man who had once served as a mission president and whom he came to know when that man needed rides to mission reunions. He was taught a vital lesson by him. Here's how Elder Packer told the story:

He grew up in a little community with a desire to make something of himself. He struggled to get an education. He married his sweetheart, and presently everything was just right. He was well employed, with a bright future. They were deeply in love, and she was expecting their first child.

The night the baby was to be born, there were complications. The only doctor was somewhere in the countryside tending to the sick. After many hours of labor, the condition of the mother-to-be became desperate. Finally the doctor was located. In the emergency, he acted quickly and soon had things in order. The baby was born and the crisis, it appeared, was over.

Some days later, the young mother died from the very infection that the doctor had been treating at another home that night. John's world was shattered. Everything was not right now; everything was all wrong. He had lost his wife. He had no way to tend both the baby and his work. As the weeks wore on, his grief festered. "That doctor should not be allowed to practice," he would say. "He brought that infection to my wife. If he had been careful, she would be alive today." He thought of little else, and in his bitterness, he became threatening. . . .

One night a knock came at his door. A little girl said simply, "Daddy wants you to come over. He wants to talk to you." "Daddy" was the stake president. A grieving, heartbroken young man went to see his spiritual leader. This spiritual shepherd had been watching his flock and had something to say to him. The counsel from that wise servant was simply, "John, leave it alone. Nothing you do about it will bring her back.

Anything you do will make it worse. John, leave it alone."

My friend told me then that this had been his trial—his Gethsemane. How could he leave it alone? Right was right! A terrible wrong had been committed and somebody must pay for it. It was a clear case.

But he struggled in agony to get hold of himself. And finally, he determined that whatever else the issues were, he should be obedient… He determined to follow the counsel of that wise spiritual leader. He would leave it alone.

Then he told me, "I was an old man before I understood! It was not until I was an old man that I could finally see a poor country doctor—overworked, underpaid, run ragged from patient to patient, with little medicine, no hospital, few instruments, struggling to save lives, and succeeding for the most part. He had come in a moment of crisis, when two lives hung in the balance, and had acted without delay."

"I was an old man," he repeated, "before I finally understood! I would have ruined my life," he said, "and the lives of others." Many times he had thanked the Lord on his knees for a wise spiritual leader who counseled simply, "John, leave it alone."

And that is the counsel I bring again to you. If you have a festering grudge, if you are involved in an acrimonious dispute, "Behold what the scripture says [and it says it fifty times and more]—man shall not smite, neither shall he judge; for judgment is mine, saith the Lord, and vengeance is mine also, and I will repay" (Mormon 8:20).

I say therefore, "John, leave it alone. Mary, leave it alone." [End of Elder Packer's words]

What does this great story have to do with charity? Perhaps the commonest form of charity is simple forgiveness. In our families and friendship circles, we are invited to do what Jesus did better than any of us: set aside all charges against the people in our lives. Set aside the ways they have disappointed us. See past the weakness and frailties to the hopes and intentions of our fellow travelers. Jesus invites us to see each other redemptively.

Promised Blessings

So what are the keys to godly relationships? I think they are a willingness to sacrifice combined with charity—the willingness to forgive.

God promises unbelievable blessings for those who apply these two principles:

then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God;

and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion,

and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth;

and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion,

and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever. (D&C 121:45-46).

Remarkable promises! May God bless us to follow the principles that will allow us to enjoy the sacred blessing of godly relationships.

Thanks to Barbara Keil for her helpful insights on this article.

2011-02-16T09:40:00.001-07:00

Angels Will Come

By Larry Barkdull

(This article is adapted from Rescuing Wayward Children. Follow this link to learn more.)

As we work to reclaim our wayward children, we are not alone. Often angels are dispatched to help us. These angels include our ancestors, whose love and concern for the child equals ours.

Redemption is the work of celestial people; thus it is the work of angels, as Heavenly Father employs them. We receive continual support in our quest to rescue our wayward children. As both Hezekiah and Elisha testified, there are many more who stand to help us than the powers that oppose our children and us.[i]

Joseph Smith taught, "The spirits of the just are exalted to a greater and more glorious work; hence they are blessed in their departure to the world of spirits. Enveloped in flaming fire, they are not far from us, and know and understand our thoughts, feelings, and motions, and are often pained therewith."[ii]

Angels are agents of the Holy Ghost and speak and act by his power.[iii] That the keys of the ministering of angels[iv] have been restored should fill us with hope and faith. By virtue of the powers attendant to the Aaronic Priesthood, parents have the right to ask for angelic help in behalf of their children.

Angelic Ancestors

We all know that sometimes angels are those who now live on this earth, but often, angelic help comes in the form of our ancestors, they who perhaps understand better than we the power of the "welding link"[v] that binds us together through temple ordinances. They enjoy a clearer view of the importance of the children's and their fathers' hearts being turned to each other, and the sealing that must be set in place and not allowed to be broken lest "the earth will be smitten with a curse."[vi] The Prophet Joseph revealed,

And now, my dearly beloved brethren and sisters, let me assure you that these are principles in relation to the dead and the living that cannot be lightly passed over, as pertaining to our salvation. For their salvation is necessary and essential to our salvation, as Paul said concerning the fathers — that they without us cannot be made perfect — neither can we without our dead be made perfect.[vii]

Heaven and earth are partners in the cosmic work of salvation. Neither can we be made perfect without our fathers (we need their help) nor can they be made perfect without us (we provide them the saving ordinances). When we bless them with saving ordinances, they are suddenly endowed with power to help save our/their children. Elder Boyd K. Packer wrote, "Brother Widtsoe reaffirmed that 'those who give themselves with all their might and main to this work [genealogical and temple work] receive help from the other side. Whoever seeks to help those on the other side receives help in return in all the affairs of life.'"[viii]

In this mutual redemptive effort, the hearts of the children and their fathers are turned to each other, or welded together, and the "promises made to the fathers" are planted "in the hearts of the children."[ix] What promises? The promises of the Abrahamic covenant, which include the promise of salvation and eventual godhood. That is, as the fathers have covenanted to save us, their children, so we have covenanted to save them.

Angels are not Strangers

Our deceased ancestors, therefore, become ministering servants — angels of God — and their redemptive work continues. President Joseph F. Smith said, "When messengers are sent to minister to the inhabitants of this earth, they are not strangers, but from the ranks of our kindred, friends, and fellow-beings and fellow-servants."[x] Additionally, in his vision of the spirit world, he declared, "I beheld that the faithful elders [including sisters] of this dispensation, when they depart from mortal life, continue their labors in the preaching of the gospel of repentance and redemption, through the sacrifice of the Only Begotten Son of God, among those who are in darkness and under the bondage of sin in the great world of the spirits of the dead."[xi]

Of the reality of ministering ancestral angels, a mother from Utah wrote,

One of my most precious experiences occurred when my wayward son had visited me and left me in tears once again. This child is like trying to hug a porcupine! He believes he is doing himself and everyone else a favor when he tells things "the way they are."

That evening, I had been alone at home. Everyone in my support system was unavailable: my husband was away serving in a Church calling, my youngest son was at work, and my parents were out of town. I was completely defenseless when my son began to hurl unkind accusations and angry words.

I remember the searing pain and agony I felt in the wake of his tirade. When he stomped out the door, I sank to the floor and sobbed. I felt myself spiraling into despair and loneliness. I thought that I had nowhere to run and nobody to turn to. As I wept uncontrollably, I realized that I wasn't alone; all I needed to do was talk to my Heavenly Father and ask for comfort.

What occurred then was unexpectedly beautiful and priceless. As I poured out my agony and begged not to be alone, I asked for someone to come be with me and help me through this horrible time. Soon, I began to feel a warmth creep across my body. Immediately to my right, I sensed the presence of a grandfather to whom I had been particularly close in my youth. Then, to my left, I sensed the presence of my husband's grandmother, whom I had met only twice in our early marriage. She was sympathetic to my plight; she had lived her life without seeing any of her sons active in the Church. As these two family members stayed with me, I felt surrounded by love, peace, and the knowledge that families are connected in this life and the next.

My husband and I have had many experiences with ancestors helping us, but this experience was especially sweet because it came to me in such a difficult moment. It was a vivid reminder that we are never alone. When we need help we will be ministered to by spirits who love us, know us, and want to help us succeed.

Angelic Ministration is Central to the Restored Gospel

To discount the reality of the ministering of angels is to deny one of the supernal blessings of the restored gospel. As Moroni was closing the Book of Mormon, he exhorted us to believe in miracles and in the ministering of angels: "Wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the children of men, for it is because of unbelief, and all is vain."[xii]

At the April 2006 General Conference, President James E. Faust, quoting Joseph F. Smith, confirmed,

In ancient and modern times angels have appeared and given instruction, warnings, and direction, which benefited the people they visited. We do not consciously realize the extent to which ministering angels affect our lives. President Joseph F. Smith said, "In like manner our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters and friends who have passed away from this earth, having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy these rights and privileges, may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again, bringing from the divine Presence messages of love, of warning, or reproof and instruction, to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh.

" Many of us feel that we have had this experience. Their ministry has been and is an important part of the gospel.[xiii]

Assembling the Powers of Earth and Heaven

We must not despair. In working with our wayward children, God will assemble all the powers of heaven and earth to achieve His glorious work. Whether our children have strayed from the path of truth, become lost by following a forbidden path, or consciously rebelled and run away to a far county, their Heavenly Father can find and rescue them. Even when they are so broken that they are no longer recognizable, He will patiently put them back together until they can bring forth good fruit.

No matter their choices and situations, God loves them and is constantly working to save and redeem them. And so are their family and friends that have gone before. We are never alone in the work of redemption.

Author's Note

Note: This article is adapted from Rescuing Wayward Children. Follow this link to learn more.

To receive a sample of my new 5-book series, The Three Pillars of Zion, Click here.

[i] See 2 Chronicles 32:7–8.

[ii] Alma P. Burton, ed., Discourses of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 128.

[iii] See 2 Nephi 32:3.

[iv] See D&C 13:1.

[v] D&C 128:18.

[vi] D&C 128:18.

[vii] D&C 128:15.

[viii] John A. Widstoe, quoted in Boyd K. Packer's The Holy Temple, 252.

[ix] D&C 2:2.

[x] Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine: Selections from the Sermons and Writings of Joseph F. Smith, 435.

[xi] D&C 138:57.

[xii] Moroni 7:37.

[xiii] James E. Faust, "A Royal Priesthood," Ensign, May 2006, 50, emphasis added.

HRH Neenerita

Article from ldschurchnews.com: Forgiveness is the only option

2011-02-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

Neener (hrhneenerita@hotmail.com) thought you might be interested in reading the following story, which appeared on ldschurchnews.com.

Do not reply to this messsage. To send a message to the sender, use the address here: hrhneenerita@hotmail.com.

Forgiveness is the only option
Before the dust settled from the wreck that took the lives of his pregnant wife and two of his children Feb. 9, Chris Williams knew that the first thing he had to do was forgive the driver who had crashed his vehicle into the Williams family's sedan.
"As a disciple of Christ, I had no oth…
Full Story: http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/50147/Forgiveness-is-the-only-option.html

Waiting for “the One!”

2010-12-14T14:16:00.001-07:00

Waiting for "the One!" (And he had so better be worth the wait!)

By Erin Ann McBride

After twenty years of dating, I am forced to contemplate the question, "Do I believe in "the One?" Is there is one special, predestined, perfect person out there for me?"

The more time I am given to answer that question, the more garbled my answer becomes. Allow me to share with you the arguments I have in my head.

There are days when I do truly want to believe that everything happens for a reason. There are days I want to believe that it isn't that no one loves me, and that the reason I am single is that I haven't met the predestined, all-perfect ONE for me. There are days where I honestly and truly believe that whoever he is out there, he's going to be worth the wait.

There are also days where I still believe in Santa Claus.

Then there are days when I think that, sure, there are plenty of people out there that could marry just any other compatible, responsible adult and be happy and married. But then I think that just sounds like a really boring way to spend the rest of my life and eternity.

There are definitely days where I really want there to be a One so that all this waiting was worth it, and I just wasn't compatible with anyone for the past two decades.

And if we really could be happy with just anyone, and our mate is just a matter of choosing to get along with a person, then why do we get married for eternity in the Lord's House?

If a dedication to the Gospel and a determination to make it work is all that mattered, then finding a good roommate wouldn't be so difficult. (The older I get the more convinced I am that adult women were never meant to co-habitate.)

I have heard WAY too many people misquote President Spencer W. Kimball and say that "any two adults" who are active in the Gospel, and are trying, can be happily married. What did President Kimball really say?

"Soul mates" are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."

In the same talk (given 7 September 1976 at a BYU devotional) he offered this advice:

"In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that, of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong. In true marriage there must be a union of minds as well as of hearts. Emotions must not wholly determine decisions, but the mind and the heart, strengthened by fasting and prayer and serious consideration, will give one a maximum chance of marital happiness."

And then later in the same talk, he said, "While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person."

So no, I do not believe in "the One." But I do believe that marriage should not be between any two consenting and agreeable adults who want the same things. It is, at least for me, all about love.

Two consenting and agreeable adults is not something worth waiting for. Two consenting and agreeable adults cannot and should not have the power to create a life. Two consenting and agreeable adults do not inspire poetry, art, or music. But two people in love do.

And so my argument is for love. I do believe we can fall in love with multiple people. I do believe that love is worth waiting for. I do believe that love is what it is all about. Love can create life.

In the world where only my personal opinion and testimony of the Gospel matters, "true love" is totally different from "the One." True love is love built on all the right things that matter- respect, admiration, compatibility, honesty, appreciation, and attraction. In spite of my argument for probably and maybe believing in the search and the (way too long) wait for true love, I may be the least romantic person you will ever meet. I will also tell you that I think every singleton out there with a "checklist" needs to check him/herself, and toss his/her list out. A stubborn choice to predetermine what true love entails will only lead you to a major disappointment later. But at the same time, I believe everyone needs to know what qualities (non-tangible) are important to them, and to not settle for anything less.

And so my single friends, I implore you. Figure out what really matters to you, and go for that. Search for true love based on what is important and non-tangible. Don't get hung up on looking for "the One." And don't sell yourself short, settling for someone that doesn't inspire art, poetry, and music. Find someone that inspires you to create life!

HRH Neenerita

Great Day in the Life of Neener

2010-12-14T12:30:00.001-07:00

This is a fantastic day in my life. TODAY I am under 200lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! have not weighed this for over 30 years. I am so HAPPY, now just 60 more pounds to go. It has taken me so long to get under 200 that I was getting discouraged.

HRH Neenerita

Meridian Magazine I Can See Clearly Now By Wallace Goddard

2010-12-06T15:05:00.001-07:00

Meridian Magazine I Can See Clearly Now By Wallace Goddard

In my last Meridian article, I outlined eight forms of bias that keep all of us from seeing each other objectively or charitably.

It is my view that we have overemphasized the development of skills as the solution to family problems. Conventional wisdom has taught us that if we develop better communication, listening, and conflict resolution skills, etc. then we will be more effective in our family relationships. Yet research has regularly shown little or no effects of skills training for improving family life. More than skills, we need proper motivations and attitudes. What we really need is a mighty change of heart.

How can we effectively train hearts? I nominate humility and compassion as the two keys that open us up to God and to His children.

Humility

For relationships to flourish we must be open to each other and different views of the world; this is akin to humility. Psychologists have not traditionally been ardent advocates of humility. That is changing. Two scholars, Tavris and Aronson, observed that "when confidence and convictions are unleavened by humility, by an acceptance of fallibility, people can easily cross the line from healthy self-assurance to arrogance" (p. 228). Humility has even commanded its own chapter in the new Handbook of Positive Psychology.

It is human nature to think that our way is the right way. We are unaware (unless we are humble) of the myriad ways that our thinking and preferring is formed by a lifetime of idiosyncratic experience. We are, each of us, odd.

Humility recognizes that my way is not the only way or the true way. As long as we are humans, it is not the best way either. Only when my thinking is filled with God's way of thinking can it be remotely right. Only when I am open to the views and preferences of the people around me can I sustain healthy relationships.

G. K. Chesterton, the remarkable English writer suggested: "How much larger your life would be if your self could become smaller in it; if you could really look at other men [and women] with common curiosity and pleasure. … You would break out of this tiny and tawdry theatre in which your own little plot is always being played, and you would find yourself under a freer sky, and in a street full of splendid strangers." (G. K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy, Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday Image Books, 1959, pp. 20–21.)

Chesterton's observation about living under a freer sky in a street full of splendid strangers applies equally well to our homes. When we can break out of our own dramas, we can truly understand, appreciate, and bless the members of our families. We are not the centers of the universe. God is. When God is at the center of our thoughts and affections, we are naturally more open to each other.

Jonathan Haidt, the remarkable psychologist, invites all of us to be more receptive to the views of others. "A good place to look for wisdom, therefore, is where you least expect to find it: in the minds of your opponents. You already know the ideas common to your own side. If you can take off the blinders of the myth of pure evil, you might see some good ideas for the first time" (p. 242).

It has been personally painful to me to see members of my religious and professional communities so polarized on various issues that even good friends and respected colleagues cannot listen to each other or learn from each other.

I'll make a difficult confession. In my own longitudinal research spanning 38 years of living with Nancy, I have often been judgmental and condescending. I have more than once questioned her logic chain and faulted her conclusions. I tend to hold up her thinking to the standard of my own way of thinking. I have placed greater value on thinking I was "right" than on being kind and open to my beloved companion. I know. That is awful. When I act that way I am making myself and my thinking into god. When any of us do that, we worship at the altar of a false and frail god.

I am repenting. I'm learning to listen to Nancy, to honor her perspective, to learn from her. I am indescribably blessed when I listen to that mild woman I married! She may process in a way quite different from my own—and she sees vast tracts of truth that I miss including simple faith and gentle understanding. I thank God for her influence in my life.

Anjelica Huston tells the story of an encounter with her father, the famous film director, that illustrates the natural man's way of teaching humility: "Once, at the dinner table, the subject of van Gogh came up. I said somewhat flippantly that I didn't like van Gogh. 'You don't like van Gogh?' he countered. 'Then name six of his paintings and tell me why you don't like them.' I couldn't, of course. And he said, 'Leave the room and until you know what you're talking about, don't come back with your opinions to the dinner table'" (Mark Morrison in LA Times Magazine).

John Huston may have thought that he was teaching his daughter to be humble and reflective. We often have noble motives when we attack people. Yet attacking people does not make them humble. It does not make them wiser. It makes them resentful.

We can contrast the John and Angelica Huston experience with a story adapted from the parenting genius, Haim Ginott. When Ashley, age fourteen, criticized modern painting, her mother did not dispute her opinion. Nor did she condemn her taste. Instead, she taught her.

Mother: You don't like abstract art?

Ashley: I sure don't. It's ugly.

Mother: You prefer representational art?

Ashley: What's that?

Mother: You like it when a house looks like a house, and a tree like a tree, and a person like a person.

Ashley: Yes.

Mother: Then you like representational art.

Ashley: Imagine that. All my life I liked representational art and didn't know it.

Ashley's mother used the daughter's ill-informed declaration as an opportunity to better understand her perspective and then to both teach her and draw closer to her. In the process Ashley learned about both art and civil dialogues.

Humility is essentially the willingness to learn, a fundamental openness to other people and their views. It is foundational to civil dialogues and personal growth.

How Can We Cultivate Humility?

It is very difficult for humans to get past the inner defense-lawyers in our souls. Scientists have tried many ways to help people be more open to other points of view. They tried teaching them about bias and then asking them to write an essay in favor of the opposing point of view. It didn't work. Only one intervention worked:

"When subjects read the essay about self-serving biases and were then asked to write an essay about weaknesses in their own case, their previous righteousness was shaken" (Haidt, 2006, p. 70)

When we are humbled by a realization of our own limited understanding and we consider the flaws in our own arguments, we may be teachable. Think how much more peaceful the world would be if we all practiced this technique. Maybe Arabs and Jews could find common ground.

Maybe some theologians would come to appreciate amazing LDS doctrine.

Maybe some latter-day saints would be more appreciative of diverse life experiences. Without humbly calling on God's help, we are all narrow and stilted in our views. Maybe we will truly be the children of God when we learn to be peacemakers (See Matthew 5:9 and 3 Nephi 12:9) and open to other points of view.

Compassion

When we set aside our own distress to understand and minister to others' distress, we open the door to solutions. Compassion may be the key to godliness.

In our marriage study in Arkansas, we found that perceived empathy was the best predictor of marital satisfaction. Tavris and Aronson (2007) reported that: "the couples who grow together over the years have figured out a way to live with a minimum of self-justification, which is another way of saying that they are able to put empathy for the partner ahead of defending their own territory. Successful, stable, couples are able to listen to the partner's criticisms, concerns, and suggestions un-defensively" (p. 180, emphasis added).

You can see how humility and compassion work together in magnificent harmony. They open us up to each other in beautiful ways. I have previously shared John Glenn's story of his love for his wife, Annie. In spite of her severe problem with stuttering, John never complained of the seeming inconvenience it entailed on his life. Annie could not read simple stories to their children. She could not communicate simple requests in public. She refused to be interviewed with the vice president. Her problem kept him from some political opportunities.

Yet John expressed nothing but love for his dear Annie. One of the marks of his humility was that he never mentioned any of these problems as inconveniences for him. He only expressed his love for her. (You can read more of the story at http://www.arfamilies.org/family_life/marriage/guides/1_Commit.pdf See pp. 4-5)

How Can We Cultivate Compassion?

Having compassion is not a happy accident. It requires great personal and spiritual exertion. When we are truly humble, we can be more open to other people's perspectives. We can enter their life stories, seek to understand their dreams, and feel the pain of their struggles. This takes patience and great desire. We can do much to open ourselves to the emotional lives of others. Yet the ultimate form of compassion, charity, is a gift from God that comes as a result of praying with all the energy of our souls (See Moroni 7:48).

John Gottman invites partners to see their spouses' actions as bids for connection. Even in simple requests, our partners are often asking us to be more a part of their lives. In response, we can turn against, turn away, or turn toward.

When we criticize each other we are turning against each other. When we ignore our partners' invitations, we are turning away. But, when we welcome every opportunity to be a part of our beloveds' lives, we are turning toward.

Turning toward will also include turning toward the pain, hurts, and challenges our partners face. Rather than experience their challenges as personal inconveniences, we can "be touched with the feeling of [their] infirmities" (Hebrews 4:15). This is a godly attitude. (For more information on this idea, see the article "Will I Ever Receive His Image in My Countenance" at http://www.meridianmagazine.com/article/159?ac=1 )

There is another element to compassion. When we feel genuine compassion for our partners, we realize that any feelings of irritation we have are an invitation to shift from our self-centeredness to thinking about our partners' needs. Irritation is indeed an invitation to shift from natural man thinking to godly thinking.

Terry Olsen tells a story about a woman who became exasperated with her husband's inability to understand her feelings and express himself. She was sulking and fuming when her husband tried to stammer an apology. Then something clicked inside of her. Rather than hold his feet to the fire, she pulled him to her heart. In essence she said, "Yes, dear. I'm sorry, too."

She reported that the difference in her made a difference for him. As she set aside criticism, he expressed himself more and better.

It is true that the natural man is an enemy to God--and the human family. Our human biases keep us from seeing and understanding the struggle and glory in our fellow travelers. We can remain ever separate and grumbling or we can be changed by God. God can soften our hard-heartedness with humility and compassion. God can turn our separateness into at-one-ment. We can see with new eyes. May we draw that mighty change into our hearts and relationships.

You may be interested in Brother Goddard's books such as Soft-Spoken Parenting, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, and Between Parent and Child. For more information about his books and programs, visit www.FamilyCollege.com or www.DrWally.org

Thanks to Barbara Keil and Annmarie Worthington for their insightful improvements of this article.

References

Glenn, J., & Taylor, N. (1999). John Glenn: A memoir. New York: Bantam Books.

John Glenn and Annie

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The relationship cure. New York: Crown.

Haidt, J. (2006). The happiness hypothesis. New York: Basic Books.

Tavris, C., & Aronson, E. (2007). Mistakes were made (but not by me). New York: Harcourt.

HRH Neenerita

Life's Little Instruction Book for Single Women

2010-11-17T00:34:00.001-07:00

Life's Little Instruction Book for Single Women

By Erin Ann McBride

Growing up I was taught all sorts of lessons about the real world- assuming that the real world was a place where I would grow up to get married and have children. But no one ever taught me any lessons about what would happen if the ideal real world didn't pan out for me. No one ever prepared me for a world where I might not ever get married, and instead might find myself single and living alone for the rest of my life. In other words, in spite of a lot of preparation for the future, I woke up one day and found myself woefully unprepared for the future I am living.

I remember little life lessons handed down from the women above me that included things like, "Someday when you have a husband you'll ..." or "When you are a mom you will understand." Or one of my favorites, "When you get married your priorities will change." No one ever handed out advice that included, "When you are in your thirties and all alone, you'll need to be prepared to..."

Multiple times in my life I have woken up to these realizations, but never more so than when I am looking at my dishes. Why my dishes? Well, no one ever threw me a bridal shower. No one ever gave me all of those start up items to begin my adult life. I never got a nice set of matching dishes or towels, or pots and pans, or new linens. If I have it, I had to earn it. It is when I am looking at my mismatched set of dishes compiled from odds and ends left by roommates over the years, that I realize no one ever prepared me for what happens when Plan A (marriage and babies) doesn't pan out.

But then who was going to teach me all of those lessons? I can't think of one role model in my life that could have prepared me for my real life. My mother got married at age 19. She's never lived alone, nor had roommates. She's never been the sole breadwinner for the family. She's never had to make all of the financial decisions alone. I look back at my young women advisers, and I can't recall any single women among them. One of them had a job that I can recall, but only a part-time one. In other words, it isn't a surprise to me how completely inept I feel sometimes at how to be an adult, professional, single woman.

I am not surprised at the lack of role models in this area. But it does make me sad. I know there are fabulous great women just like me out there. I wish they were recognized more for how much they have accomplished, rather than always described as "she's accomplished because she never got married." I think that does an injustice to all women, single or married. Why can't a woman be accomplished just because she chose to be? Why does her marital status matter? But I digress...

The list of things I have never learned could fill a book. The things I was never encouraged to learn to prepare for a life alone could fill five more books. And so I thought about it. What would I like to pass on to young women to prepare them for the future where things may not turn out to be all white lacy veils and bouquets of flowers?

Erin's Little List of Instructions on How to Live a Single Woman's Life

"I'll get married someday and then I'll worry about retirement." is NOT a financial plan. Get a real financial adviser- an unbiased one. Preferably not a member of your family. Why? Because people who love you and want to see you get married someday, might let "someday" influence your financial planning. An unbiased expert will help you prepare the right way.
Not getting the full education you want because it would just be a waste of time and money "when you get married and settle down and have children," and then never use your degree- will be the biggest regret of your life.
Don't settle for "this will be a better job for me" because you can use those skills when you have kids, is not a career plan. Look into the future ten years and ask yourself do you want to be in that job still if you never have children? Instead, ask yourself "is this the job that will make me happy if Plan A doesn't work out? Will it financially support me and be mentally stimulating?"
Explore your passions! Don't wait for someone else to come along to do them with you! Go find what you love and enjoy it fully.
Decorate the way you like it and the way you want it. There is no rule that says you have to do it the way your mom/roommate/sister/brother/ex-spouse liked it. Do it your way! (My way involves calendars in every room. None of them on the right month, and none of them accurate.)
I'd throw in my own little rule here about not shutting the bathroom door on principle, but it would embarrass my mother.
Buy food storage that you will eat! I think not stocking up on food storage is one of the biggest mistakes singles make.
If you don't live close to your own family, find a child to love in the community or in your ward. Having a child in your life is having a touchstone in your life to keep things real. It helps you remember that the world is not all about you, money, and whatever your job is making you do.
Travel! See the world! Have fun!
Buy good furniture. Say goodbye to Craigslist and invest in something you are proud to call your own. Make it something worth paying a moving company for!
Send out Christmas cards. You don't have to have a cute little family card to send out cards.
Insist on being treated like an equal. Don't let people treat you like you don't matter because you aren't married.
Make something of yourself. Don't ever hold yourself back from being great because of what others might think. Be the next girl's role model.
Don't be afraid to be yourself. There is an awful tendency to feel like we have to act or be a certain way in order to attract a man. Who wants to attract a man by being someone else? Attract a man by being yourself!
Buy a toolbox and learn how to use it. Don't spend your whole life being helpless and depending on others to take care of you. Learn how to take care of yourself!
Never, ever make a major life decision that you think will help you get a guy. This includes quitting a job, not getting an education, moving (cross town or cross country), buying a car (because you think he would like it), or spending more than $200 on anything (plane tickets excluded). Do what is best for you! Not what is best for you to hopefully, possibly catch him.
Find role models at work, at church, and in your personal life. Especially ones that have been where you are now. Moms and sisters are great, but if they haven't ever been in their mid-thirties, single, and financially independent, their advice and viewpoint will be limited. Seek out people who have been there and understand your challenges.
Have a guy best friend who will tell you the truth.
Never, ever kiss your guy best friend unless he kisses you first. And don't even think about kissing him otherwise.
Have a healthy relationship with food.
Own one great pair of jeans that you look fabulous in. Own one great dress that you know turns heads when you walk into a room.
Never let yourself become a manhater.
Learn to cook for one. And don't eat Lean Cuisines and cereal for the rest of your life.
Never be afraid to do it yourself. It doesn't matter what IT is. Go do whatever IT is you have always wanted to do.
Remember that all the answers you really need come when you are on your knees. Don't be afraid to ask the One person who knows exactly how you feel.

Single women, help me out! What do you wish someone had taught you? What are life's little lessons that you never saw coming? Leave them in the comments below!

Things I have learned as a single woman in her 40s:
1. Go to school and get your education!. I have learned more in my 40s then in my teens, 20s or 30s!
2. Learn to be by yourself and do things by yourself. I have learned early on how to do this, like window shopping at the mall, going to the movies I like, and hiking in the wilderness, although I usually take a dog for this activity.
3. Learn to let go of my sister or best friend when they go out on dates and then get married and move far away. This is really hard, but I know that they are happy living their lives too. And there are always plane tickets, vacations and Scype! (BTW, Learn to fly and navigate airports by your self too.)
4. Learn to entertain yourself and have fun! At least no one will tell you to change the TV channel or to get off the computer.

HRH Neenerita

Whatever you do, you need courage.

2010-10-11T13:00:00.001-07:00

"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

HRH Neenerita

Learning How to Forgive

2010-09-13T11:14:00.001-07:00

Meridian Magazine

Learning How to Forgive

By Kathryn H. Kidd

We have a terrific topic for today, and I hope you all respond to it if you have any words that can help. But before we start the new topic, here are two last letters on the subject of emotional infidelity:

It is obvious that talking with your husband has been ineffective. He has decided there is nothing wrong in what he is doing. Denial is a typical thing. Therefore, what has your bishop suggested? If he is not presently working with your husband to resolve this betrayal of trust, he certainly should be. It is time to confront the issue head on before it becomes bigger than it already is.

An Opinion from Missouri

Bringing the bishop into a situation like this is a good idea, Missouri. He has stewardship over the family and can therefore give advice that is not just practical, but also inspired. Thanks for the suggestion.

Our last letter is from a husband whose wife had an emotional affair, and who has survived to tell the story. Here is what he had to say:

About eighteen months ago I went through a similar situation after my wife was contacted by an ex-boyfriend on Facebook. After the initial claims of "just catching up" their association then escalated into something much more intense, with texting, phone calls and then meeting up _ all without my knowledge.

The claim by "Three is Not Company's" husband that he has "done nothing wrong" shows a complete lack of understanding about the meaning of marital fidelity. Emotional infidelity is just as damaging to a marriage as sexual infidelity. In my case, to know that my wife had been infatuated with another man, had met him in secret, and had shared intimate thoughts and feelings, was completely devastating (and indeed, sexual infidelity was an almost inevitable conclusion had the relationship continued). It is the betrayal of trust that damages the relationship, and this is just as much so in emotional affairs as it is in sexual affairs.

Eighteen months on our relationship is a lot better, my self-esteem is improving, and I am feeling more secure again, but still hardly a day goes by without my thinking about what happened. Although my wife acknowledged immediately that what she had done was wrong, I believe it took a while for her to fully realize the impact of her actions on me and on our marriage _ so be patient.

In the case of "Three is Not Company," the husband needs to come to terms with what he has done. He may need counseling, and probably needs to talk to his bishop. Once he has done this, the rebuilding of the marriage can start.

Somewhere along the way I came across this quote, which has really helped me:

To avoid getting pulled back into the past, set your mind and heart on creating new memories together. Exploring new happiness will help your relationship mend and move on greatly. Go on dates, get romantic and become better friends than before! Make a permanent note in your mind that nobody is perfect but everyone deserve forgiveness for their mistakes. Try putting yourself in your partner's shoes and think about the pain and regret they are going through and how much they love you. He or she knew it was wrong to do before they did it, but probably felt it was their only way to cope with their troubles at the time. If you have been genuinely apologized to and promised that it will never happen again, then open your heart and give him or her a chance. You obviously love your partner and he or she loves you, which is why you have decided to forgive and move on. So work as a team and be each other's strength in putting the past behind you, looking at it as a learning experience in which will assist you in making your love affair-proof from this point on.

Good luck!

Wiser Now

What a great letter, Wiser! I tried to give attribution to your quote, but although I found it in several places on the internet it was always without attribution. So unless anyone can come up with an author, the quote remains anonymous.

By the way, your letter on forgiveness provides a great segue into our next topic. We'll let the reader present the topic for us:

This is a pretty heavy subject, and because of the sensitive nature of my question I just can't blurt this out in Relief Society.

Because I am sure I'm not the only one with this question, I hope you will be able to ask for your readers' suggestions in helping me and others trying to become better disciples of Jesus Christ.

My question is simply this: I know the Lord has commanded us to forgive others, and I know why. I also have a deep and abiding testimony of the power of the Savior's atonement. But I need to know how to forgive.

How does someone forgive the deepest betrayal? I'm not talking about a neighbor who didn't wave at me, or a friend who forgot my birthday, or an unkind comment at church. I'm talking about the real sinned-against offenses that shake our very core and bring us to our knees in broken hearted anguish. The sins that cause us to weep in the night, and in the morning, and in the afternoon. The sins that force us to cry out to the Lord for His divine help. I've received that help, and know it is real.

But I also know that to truly feel whole again, I need to forgive those who have hurt me _ not just say I forgive, but I need to completely forgive, deep down to the depths of my soul.

I'd like to know if anyone has any specific suggestions or resources that have helped them find peace, and enabled them to forgive the offender.

Wounded

Until next time _ Kathy

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

Catherine Ponder

Learning to Forgive after Deep Wounds

By Kathryn H. Kidd

After "Wounded" wrote in last week, asking how to forgive someone who had caused great harm in her life, Meridian readers have risen up to offer counsel. Much of that counsel is based on the scriptures or the words of the prophets; other advice comes from hard-won experience.

There was a time when I thought I had forgiven someone who hurt me. But what I had really done is just swept it under the rug and lived for years in denial. The truth was, I didn't know how to forgive. I wanted to I just didn't know how. Gratefully I learned about the "Pyramid Model of Forgiveness" that was developed by Everett Worthington, a psychologist. He gives 5 steps and uses the acronym "R.E.A.CH".

R Recall the hurt. Write it out in detail. Share it with a trusted friend or therapist.
E Empathize with the person who hurt you. This isn't justifying it, but trying to understand why he would do the thing(s) he did.
A Altruistic Gift of Forgiveness: You forgive the person, not because he deserves it, but because you do. It's a gift. You do not need to tell the person you forgive him. This can be between you and God. You can tell the offender if it's appropriate.
C Commit: Commit to forgive. Write it down.
H Hold on to forgiveness. This means reminding yourself when the hurt comes up (and it will) that you have already forgiven and you can move on.

You may need to work through these steps more than once, and that is okay. Forgiveness isn't an event. It's a process. It's also important to remember that forgiveness isn't equal to trust. Trust may need to be rebuilt over time, or it may not be wise to trust that person again if he has not shown he is worthy of your trust. Forgiveness does not mean you put yourself in harm's way, emotionally or physically. But forgiveness does mean letting go of the hurt, anger, and bitterness.

DeAnn Hansen

What a great acronym, DeAnn! That's a real help, and I can attest that it's more than empty words. I once heard a sacrament meeting talk where the speaker said we needed to forgive our parents. My father and I had endured a nasty relationship, and he wasn't the only one at fault. After I heard that talk I had a talk with him and forgave him. It was a virtual talk because he had been dead for more than 15 years, but as soon as I told him I forgave him and also asked forgiveness for the things I had done wrong a chain fell away from me and I realized for the first time in my life I had the potential of being really happy. Ever since then, I am a huge advocate of forgiveness. Even if you don't want to forgive someone for the offender's sake, do it for yourself.

More than twenty years ago, something happened within my marriage that caused me so much pain. I had already forgiven my LDS husband (to whom I had been sealed in the temple) for more than one indiscretion, but the shock of what I had just learned was nearly enough to kill me.

Through the tender mercies of the Lord, though, I learned some critical information which helped me immediately:

1) The gift of the Holy Ghost is a reality that can be used in times of pain and sorrow. Living one's life by following the Savior's example allows us to draw upon the wellspring of peace and comfort through times (and we all have them) of greatest adversity.

When my husband confessed his greatest sin, I was stunned - spiritually, emotionally, and physically. He walked out of the room as I sank onto the couch. But the Holy Ghost whispered to me the words that made all the difference in my approach to a very dire problem: "You must forgive him. You must forgive him now because if you don't, you will become bitter and it will not be good for your family."

Somehow (and I believe this is how possessing the gift of the Holy Ghost can help us weather those terrible storms in life), I was able to heed the admonition, and instantly rose to my feet, sought out my husband and frankly forgave him. As I did so, my pain diminished greatly.

Yes, he would have to endure the consequences of his actions, but it was not up to me to inflict the punishment. I was freed from that terrible load.

2) We cannot judge what goes on in any other person's mind. We are not asked to punish, but to forgive.

My dear friends, Bonnie and Bruce Harris, just lost their wonderful son, Brian, to a suspected burglar. You probably read about it in the news last week. Although everyone wonders "WHY?", no one can read the mind of the perpetrator. Was he in his right mind? Had he suffered a great trauma, himself? Was there the slight chance that an accident had occurred?

How can one person take the life of another? The Savior told us, "My grace is sufficient for     all," and, "Be not weary in well-doing." Somehow, we must be willing to forgive, to heal, to look at the greater picture, even in our grief and sorrow.

3)  There is a way to learn to trust again those who have intentionally or unintentionally wronged us. It requires us to walk through the 'mists of darkness' until we can once again, walk in the light.

If we immerse ourselves in the scriptures, if we with real intent plead with the Lord through prayer, if we seek healing through priesthood blessings when appropriate, and if we apply the eternal principle of forgiveness we will gain the strength needed to find both peace and trust. Although this requires faith and patience, none of us are perfect, and developing these virtues will allow those who have been hurt to heal and learn to trust again.

4) Even when we go the extra mile to forgive and trust again, there are no guarantees of a painless life. We must look to the Savior and do the very best we can to become the person He would want us to be. Each person is unique and precious. We must be willing to go forward in all circumstances, seeking the will of the Lord.

My first husband, the husband of my youth, my dearly beloved, eventually died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound, which brought about a whole new set of circumstances. Could I ever learn to trust any man again? Could I have done something to stop him? What would this mean for my children? Would life ever become normal to us as a family?

This is where the adage "Time heals all wounds" comes into play. Yes, the family suffered and each of us has gone through our own Gethsemane. Sunday church attendance, being together as often as possible during Sunday dinners and Family Home Evening, even family reunions have aided in maintaining the balance in our lives that once was fragile. But we are doing better! We attend the temple. I have remarried. My children have grown up in the world, served missions, married in the temple, and finished their schooling. Looking back, I can see that being able to forgive immediately has been the presiding principle of faith that helped me guide my family through those difficult times.

Comforted

What a great letter, Comforted. It's great to learn that even after being at the bottom of an emotional abyss, forgiveness helps you climb up and find a renewed joy in life. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

Forgiveness is relatively easy when it's just something minor, but the big things take Heavenly Father's help. This was my experience.

When my daughter was eight years old, I was attending an evening college class. She was in the care of a babysitter but this could have happened when I was home, too, so I don't blame the babysitter.

Across the street from us lived a man with two girls near my daughter's age. She was visiting the home with a friend when the man touched her inappropriately and asked her to keep it a secret. She didn't keep it a secret because she had learned at school that very day that when adults ask you to keep something secret, you should tell the nearest trusted adult.

When I got home and was told about it, I called the police. The man got fined $1,000, sentenced to jail for one year, and the jail time was suspended if he received counseling.

The repercussions on my daughter were terrible. The man had a good reputation in the neighborhood, and some kids beat up my daughter because they thought she lied.

I had to change schools for her. She received counseling, but it was so hard on my daughter to talk about the incident the counseling was almost ineffective.

My daughter had been very outgoing, but after that she closed up and was fearful. It made my heart ache, and I was so angry at the perpetrator. It was all I could think about. Every time I opened my front door, I could see his house. I grieved so much about the situation and absolutely hated the perpetrator.

About five months after this incident occurred, I looked down at my hands. They were turning blue, and I was shaking. I thought I could not live like this any longer. I got down on my knees to pray and told Heavenly Father all of the angry feelings I had in my heart. I could not forgive through myself, but Heavenly Father took all my anger away.

When I got up off my knees, I felt no more bitterness. But it took prayer and a miracle from Heavenly Father to feel this peace and forgiveness for the perpetrator. My daughter is now an adult and, of course, she has scars. But now she is a successful wife and mother, and I am very proud of her. I am grateful for prayer and Heavenly Father who helps us forgive when we cannot do it by ourselves.

A Mother

That's a powerful story, Mother! As hard as it is for us to forgive transgressions against ourselves, I can only imagine how much harder it would be for a parent to forgive someone who transgressed against that person's child. If you can forgive under those situations, it must be possible for anyone to forgive not alone, but with the help of the Lord. Luke 18:27 quotes the Savior as saying, "The things that are impossible with men are possible with God." Forgiving the man who so grievously injured your daughter is surely one of those things.

The Savior has taken upon himself the sins of those persons against whom you have cause to anger, just as He is an advocate pleading your cause at the throne of the Father (D&C 45:3). He stands before you asking your forgiveness of one who has offended you, and offers his sacrifice to satisfy your sense of justice. His atonement is surely adequate. As Jesus offers himself in the place and stead of one who offended us and asks forgiveness, our bitterness and failure to forgive others amounts to a failure to forgive One who has done nothing of Himself to require forgiveness, but who has taken upon Himself the other's sins. Since we lack the capacity of our Ultimate Judge to see the whole picture, we must leave ultimate judgment to Him and envision the goodness of grace of the Savior as being enough to heal our still broken hearts.

Robert Greer

That's so true, Robert. I make so many mistakes every day that I can't afford to withhold forgiveness from others. In fact, I hope the Lord judges them liberally because I want the same liberal judgment for my own transgressions.

It sounds as though the writer is trying to forgive all by herself. I don't think that's possible. One needs to ask for the Savior's help in forgiving. At first just ask to feel the same thing the Savior is feeling toward the offender. Eventually one will be able to ask to have those same feelings personally.

Two things to remember:

This takes time. Don't beat yourself up if you can't forgive immediately.
Also, one doesn't need to put oneself back into a relationship where the hurt can be repeated. Forgiveness doesn't equate trust. Trust must be built over time and may not ever reach the level it once was.

Colorado Reader

Thanks for pointing out, Colorado, that forgiveness doesn't equal trust. You can forgive a snake for biting you, but if you put your hand back in the cage, it's your fault if you get bitten again.

A wound to the heart, as you have described, is a mortal wound and (barring a miracle) cannot ever be healed in mortality only in the resurrection. As long as you live there will always be a scar.

The trick whereby you can gain peace, is to allow the scar to form.

You cannot afford to reopen the wound and hope that somehow it will heal. It has to be allowed to scar over.

Peace comes from doing what "Wiser Now" suggested. Leave the wound bandaged, and start making new, positive memories.

I have found the following scripture to be very helpful to me: "For I say unto you that whatsoever is good cometh from God, and whatsoever is evil cometh from the devil" (Alma 5:40). The temptation to reopen the wound by thinking about it and remembering how much it hurt is evil and, therefore, from the devil.

Remember, the devil is a liar and the father of all lies, so there will likely be a lie involved in that temptation to relive the pain. You cannot and should not forget it, but you can do as President Packer so wisely counseled and change the subject your thoughts are thinking and think about something more positive and happy.

A wise Catholic monk (I don't remember his name) said that it is impossible to be grateful and miserable at the same time. I have found this to be true in my life. So find something you are grateful for to think about, instead, when you find yourself tempted to reopen the wound. Let it scar. And look forward with an eye of faith to the resurrection when it will be totally and completely healed by the power of Jesus' Atonement.

Been There, Done That

Thanks for a great quote, Been There. People who are in the dregs of misery may think that's a Pollyannaish idea, but there's a whole lot of sense in it.

First we have a great quote. Now, for the poetry fans among you, here is a poem on forgiveness from one of our readers:

TRAPPED
By Lin Floyd

I gave the gift of forgiveness
to you, not because I wanted to
but to open new paths
for my own growth.

You wandered, were lost
following worldly lusts
while I remained alone
trapped by destroyed dreams.

Then new understanding came
to guide me in wisdom's way
a gift given forgiving you,
freed me forever.

You made an important point, Lin, when you wrote that the person who benefits most from forgiveness is the one who does the forgiving. Thanks for saying it so eloquently.

When you realise that you have sins that keep you away from God, and you are truly grateful for the Lord giving you the chance to repent, you will not begrudge that chance to someone else. Sometimes praying for the desire and capacity to forgive can help begin the long process ahead of you.

Vim

That's another good point, Vim forgiving others helps us on the path toward being forgiven ourselves. We may be faultless in the situation for which we offer forgiveness, but there are surely other areas where we are the transgressor, and where we will need the same mercy shown to us that we show to others.

There is the old adage, "Time heals all wounds." I think it is true if you add to it, "if you turn to the Savior, who will lead you through the healing process." In my life, recovering from a deep hurt has taken prayer, experience and deeper gospel understanding.

I started out praying to forgive, and I became very frustrated, because my hurt and anger didn't diminish except when I was right on my knees praying. So I changed my prayers to, "What do I need to do?" I knew that prayer had been heard, and I felt that Heavenly Father would provide me with the experiences that would lead to insights that would make it easier to forgive. First, I found myself yearning for the association of good people, and as I developed deep, lasting relationships with a handful of other people and experienced their love, it helped me recognize the Lord's love for me. The former betrayal, in other words, hadn't happened because of something wrong within me.

Second, church service also put me in a position to see how others were struggling. I saw brothers and sisters I loved sin or suffer due to the sin of others. Since I loved these brothers and sisters, I wanted to understand what led them to do what they did, and I concluded that sin comes from unfulfilled needs.

But as a convert, I wasn't sure my conclusion was in harmony with gospel teachings.

About that time President Spencer W. Kimball wrote an article published in the Ensign, in which he stated, "Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual. We can show forth our love for others even when we are called upon to correct them. We need to be able to look deeply enough into the lives of others to see the basic causes for their failures and shortcomings." [Spencer W. Kimball, "Jesus: The Perfect Leader" ]

Third, in an institute class I learned that the basic Hebrew word for atonement means "to cover." and that it was customary, when someone sought refuge, to have his host place the hem of his robe over the seeker's shoulder to declare he was under his protection. I loved this image, and realized that, if I wanted to have the Lord embrace me with His robe, then I needed to let others also have their sins covered through His embrace. I found it interesting when reading The Book of Mormon at a later date that Nephi, when he was angry with his brothers for trying to murder him, prayed, "O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness!"

The Savior is the great physician of body and mind, but it takes time and patience for wounds to heal. Speaking of patience, I would recommendPresident Uchtdorf's talk from last conference on that subject. In part he said, "There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!" May you endure until your wounds heal.

Karen Still Working on Being Christlike

Thanks so much for pointing us to that conference address, Karen. I'm in short supply of patience right now, and reading that address was an answer to prayer. I suspect there are others who need it, too.

Our last letter today comes from a reader in Vegas who writes to commend a friend of hers who forgave a trespass that some would say is unforgivable. Fortunately, there is a video to accompany the story. I urge all of you to view it.

The greatest example of forgiveness to me has been my friend Chris. He was recently featured in the video on forgiveness on LDS.org. The story is so tragic, but so healing at the same time!

I remember finding out that my friend Michelle and her children had been killed in a car accident, and not only that, it was an underage drunk driver that killed them. I was devastated.

I remember hearing that Chris had forgiven this boy immediately. "How?" I wondered. This thoughtless boy had not only made the stupid decision to drink, but he got into a car and rammed in to my friend and her children, killing more than half of Chris' family.

But then, at the gravesite, I heard a beautiful dedicatory prayer given by this same man who had lost more than half of his family. He asked that all of the people there could feel the peace that he and his son felt. "Yes! Please! I want to feel that peace!" I thought. It didn't come right away, but it did come.

I know that four people died that day in February, but more at least three people were "saved" the boy driving drunk, Chris, and me. We were all saved from the bitterness, anger and ultimately spiritual death that come with not forgiving.

Because Chris decided to forgive, this young man was saved from being incarcerated for most of his young life, and ultimately allowing all involved to heal. I'm not saying that a price should not be paid. It must be, but when is that price sufficient? I think only the Lord can judge that.

We just need to trust that all will be made right with the Lord.

I know that if Chris can truly forgive the man who killed his family, I can forgive the man who killed my friend, and therefore I can forgive anything else that may happen in my life, all because Chris was my earthly example of this Christlike virtue.

Very Grateful in Vegas

After watching that video, Vegas, I can think of nothing more to add. Readers, we have enough letters for another week on this subject. See you then.

Until next time Kathy

"There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love."
Bryant H. McGill

More Examples of Forgiveness

By Kathryn H. Kidd

Forgiveness is not only an important topic; it is also something that we have all had to do. Meridian readers continue to show support for "Wounded," who asked how to forgive a transgression that cuts to the heart.

I had to travel that road to forgiveness, and it was a rocky one. I experienced verbal, emotional and physical abuse from my then-husband, and it remained hidden behind the walls of our home. He put on a very loving act in public. It was unrelenting and almost destroyed me. It had a huge impact on my health, from which I have not yet recovered ten years later.

After much prayer and counseling from our bishop and LDS counselors, I chose to end the marriage. It broke my heart.

I left the area and returned to my original home. I spent many months working through my grief and pain and anger. I alternated between feeling anger and sorrow for what might have been.

As time went by, and as I spent many hours in prayer, I slowly, very slowly, started to see that this man had not set out deliberately to hurt me. He was in pain and misery himself and was too afraid to take the steps that would allow him to heal and become whole.

I slowly learned that the abusive situation was not about me, but was a reflection of where he was. That helped me to take a step back and view him with more compassion. It wasn't easy. It took a long, long time, but one day I woke up and realized that I was no longer angry at him.

After I had done all that I could do, I found that the Lord had helped me to forgive. Truly, it is a "miracle of forgiveness." Had I tried to forgive on my own, I could not have done it. It takes time. It takes much prayer, but the Lord's tender mercies will be extended to you as you strive to forgive.

Continuing to Heal on the West Coast

Thanks, Continuing, for pointing out that it really helps to try to determine the motivations of someone who has done us wrong. A friend of mine often says "we are all the heroes of our own autobiographies," meaning that we don't think of ourselves as doing horrible things, and we generally have a reason that explains our actions (to our own satisfaction, at least). Trying to see the situation from the aggressor's perspective goes a long way toward understanding the motives behind unkind actions, although, as you learned from your own experience, the Lord is the one who provides the forgiveness miracle.

Sometimes, speakers who chose forgiveness as their topic present it as if it's a one-size-fits-all principle that we must apply if we are to be forgiven ourselves by the Master. That approach is rarely helpful because it doesn't discuss how it can actually be accomplished and seems to shift the responsibility for wrongdoing on to the victim rather than the perpetrator. I discovered a few things that helped me in this kind of situation.

First of all, it is necessary for a victim to address their own mental/emotional/spiritual upheaval and do what he or she can to get his own emotions under control. This doesn't have anything to do with the perpetrator or the event; it comes from the personal realization that anger and hurt are barriers to our own reception of the influence of the spirit, and before anything else can happen, that conduit must be cleared and open.

It can sometimes help to step back and carefully try to understand what the motives of the perpetrator were or what their situation is. Abusers often were victims of abuse themselves and so don't know how to act appropriately. And sometimes, things happen out of imperfect knowledge or understanding; the perpetrator may not understand what he is doing that is harmful. But, while forgiveness means coming to grips with what has happened, it doesn't require that we allow it to continue to happen again.

The adage that, "I don't get mad; I get even," doesn't work in any situation. We can't control the agency of someone else, and if he deliberately chose to engage in behavior that is hurtful, a judge with greater understanding than we have will have to sort that out, if we can't negotiate the resolution of a problem. But people who do that are missing an essential ingredient in their life and often act up to compensate. We can forgive transgressor for his apparent weakness without letting it determine our personal sense of self worth.

People don't repent until or unless they become aware of their sinful behavior. Sometimes they will figure it out themselves, but if they don't, it can be helpful to try to resolve the problem privately and personally. But that may not work. If it doesn't, the remaining solution is to address your own situation and do what you can to recover your personal sense of value by engaging in activities that are reminders of and the means to restore what has been temporarily lost through difficult experiences.
Gail Wasden
Petaluma, California

You're right, Gail, on several fronts. People often hurt others without realizing that they are doing so, and until they become aware of their behavior they can never repent. And even those who understand what they are doing are sometimes hurting people just to be mean. People who think they have to receive an apology from the transgressor may have a lifetime's wait ahead of them. It's better to do whatever we can to be able to let go whether or not an apology is forthcoming.

I had a horrible childhood filled with many abuses. I left home when I was 15 and haven't returned. One thing I've learned is that there are evil people in the world, and some of them are relatives. I've come realize they will not change, and they don't think they need too. They're not sorry or remorseful.

Forgiveness is not an easy road. In my opinion it's a lifelong journey to perfect forgiveness. However, the gospel does offer peace and healing. We have a Heavenly Father who loves each and every one of us. In fact, he knows us so well that he knows every hair on our heads. That's some pretty amazing knowing!

Since having kids, I've learned that even when my kids misbehave, I still love them unconditionally. My love for them doesn't change just because they are stubborn, mean or spiteful. I love them. After a lot of reflection, I know Heavenly Father loves all his children, including the ones who hurt others. My challenge is to remember that Heavenly Father loves my biological parents too. He wants them to come home.

Of course, forgiveness is easier when someone is truly sorry for his actions, but when he is not, forgiveness is still essential, in order to get past the hurt, and not relive it every day. It's necessary to have a good life despite the offenses. To find happiness and joy, not guilt, fear or shame. I've been away for 30 years and have yet to receive any kind of apology.

I was asked a question once, "Was my test to know that I can endure the abuse, or is my test to see how well I can learn to forgive?" That gave me great pause and I had to ask myself if I was passing this mortal test. We know this test is not going to be easy but that it will be worth it.

I offer that you need to read good books about overcoming abuses, pray a lot, and search the scriptures. If necessary, seek counseling.

Looking Forward

The crux of your letter, Looking, came in that powerful question you asked yourself whether your test was to know you could endure, or to see how well you could forgive.

I've found that whenever bad things happen to us, there are three questions you can ask to make the best of the situation:

1. What role, if any, did I have in this misfortune?

2. How can I make the situation better?

3. What can I learn from this?

Whether or not we as the victim had a role in the cause of the adversity, there are always ways to make the situation better, and always things we can learn. The question you asked yourself shows that you have learned what adversity is all about.

I have found that praying for the person who has wounded you is really, really helpful in forgiving someone. Pray everything for them that you would want for yourself to start. Tell Heavenly Father the truth, if you don't want to pray for them but that you are willing to try this for yourself. Eventually, you will truly mean it for them, and you may be given the gift of understanding them, which will aid you greatly in forgiving. I have found many times in doing this that I have no need to forgive anymore because I understand. It can and will get better.
Shawn in Iowa

That is so true, Shawn. I once had a supervisor in a church position who was absolutely vile to me. After enduring this for what seemed to be an eternity, I finally decided to pray for her. I prayed long and hard before every contact I had with her that she would have a good evening and that she would find joy in her service.

I can't say she treated me any differently after I started praying for her and putting her name on the temple prayer rolls, but I eventually learned that the position she was in had changed her. I think the stress of her position, combined with what may have been the beginnings of an age-related dementia, had driven her to become a person she was not. Once I understood that, the situation was easier to endure.

Some time after this woman's release, she saw me and greeted me like an old friend. I realized then that her abuse of me (and it wasabuse, which was witnessed by a whole lot of people) had not been personal. Indeed, she no longer remembered doing it which was fine with me, because by then I had long since forgiven her.

I was betrayed by my husband when he had an affair about five years into our marriage. I thought my whole world had crashed in. It has taken many prayers, tears, and much fasting to forgive him.

What helped me the most was focusing on my own faults and striving to make myself worthy to enter the Celestial Kingdom. I had to keep telling myself that the Savior loves my husband as much as He loves me and that the Atonement covers all of our sins. I had to remember that the more I held on to the hurt and anger, the less the Atonement worked in my own life. I would picture myself putting the pain, anger, and hurt feelings in a box and laying it at the feet of our Savior and then walking away. I got really tired of carrying it around with me every day, so I let the Savior have it. Sometimes I would have to picture this over and over and over in a single day because I would pick up the hurt and anger again. It got easier with time.

I was also told that if I was worthy to gain exaltation in the Celestial Kingdom and my husband wasn't, the Savior would give me a man that was worthy to be in the Celestial Kingdom with me. That gave me great hope. It made me realize that I needed to focus on my own faults and not worry so much about my husband's. I was just to love him the best that I could and let the Savior take care of the rest.

The book The Continuous Atonement(http://www.byubookstore.com/ePOS?store=439&item_number=9781606410370&form=shared3%2fgm%2fdetail%2ehtml&design=439) by Brad Wilcox is terrific! I recommend this book to everyone. The longer I live, the more I see that our biggest challenge is focusing on getting ourselves to heaven and not worrying about others' faults. We just need to love them and help them the best way that we can.

Another thing that helped me is the saying, "Offense cannot be given. It can only be taken." If someone says anything about me, I look at the statement and think to myself, "Is it true?" If it is, and I don't like it, then I strive to change it. If it isn't true, then I picture having "Teflon" shoulders and let it just slide right off. I don't have to take it in.

It is such a struggle to ignore Satan and his fiery darts and let the Atonement work in our lives, but if we can do this, we are so much the happier.

My husband and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary this year and we are so very happy. I still have my days where I allow Satan to make me unhappy by focusing on my husband's faults, but I'm so much happier when I turn my attention back to my faults and weaknesses and just strive to love my family and follow the Savior.

Because of the Savior I can look back at that painful time with thankfulness because of the growth I've experienced and the strength of my testimony that the Atonement is real and for everyone.

I hope this helps.

Wendy

Mesa, Arizona

Thanks, Wendy, for letting us know that forgiveness isn't something you do once, and that often you have to put the box at the feet of the Savior twice or twenty or more times in a single day. I like what you said, too, that, "Offense cannot be given. It can only be taken." That's a quote I need to remember, and I need to buy a set of those Teflon shoulders. I wonder if they sell 'em on eBay.

Just as faith begins with "a desire to believe", the process of forgiveness begins with a desire to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice with a process attached. It is important to know what forgiveness is and what it isn't, what it does and what it doesn't do.

I remember my former husband telling me something very surprising about his belief in forgiveness. He brought up something I had done 20-plus years before (I don't remember now what it was; it was not a large offense). I replied that I could see that he had not forgiven me that hurt. He then told me he never forgave because if he did then people could do whatever they wanted. That told me he believed that by not forgiving, he could protect himself from hurt.

Perhaps he thought that forgiveness exonerated the person from having caused the hurt. And if he didn't forgive, then the person was somehow constrained and unable to cause more hurt.

Forgiveness does not protect us from more hurt; it simply releases us from the past hurt. We no longer carry it. We are freed from the bondage it had over us. Forgiveness means we no longer feel emotional pain from the hurt. We don't necessarily forget but we are liberated from the pain from it. Forgiveness does not make what happened all right. That is between the one who did the harm and the Lord.

We have to be ready to "let go" of the hurt. Some carry it like a badge of honor and derive some kind of payout for being wounded. Victimhood stagnates spiritual progression.

I have often wondered why the Lord said that if we don't forgive, then the larger sin is ours. How could that be in the case of a child molested? Well, it could be that not forgiving somehow keeps the one who caused the harm tied to us, in a sort of bondage. I received three stories of forgiveness from three different women, each of whom had been terribly wounded as a child. In each case the woman was visited in a dream by the perpetrator (who had since died), who needed forgiveness so he/she could progress on the other side of the veil.

Abbie

Salt Lake City

That was a wonderful letter, Abbie. I especially appreciate what you said about people choosing victimhood, and how that choice stagnates spiritual progression. I have recently seen that in my own church community, where one family has worn the cloak of victimhood for so long that it colors everything they do. Not only are they unhappy, but the people around them are unhappy. What a miserable way to live!

I, too, have had my whole life wrenched apart; the description of "Wounded" resonates clearly. But I have also had the healing made possible only through the atonement of Christ and the presence in my life of my Heavenly Father. Some agonies were known only to God, and I learned to leave them with Him.

The first thing I would counsel is that it takes time. "Wounded" states that she has cried for help and been answered, and knows that help is real. Knowing that, keep seeking it in every moment that rises up and blindsides you. Keep praying. Prayer becomes not the formal composed lines of thought but the instinctive turning, reaching, crying, even-if-it's-not-coherent pouring out towards heaven. Sometimes you know that heaven answers but you can't seem to keep a grasp on it. That is when you should seek help from the priesthood in a blessing. Those occasions were often my deepest sources of help and healing. It is not a failure to need an extra measure of strength.

In my situation, the profound injury was from someone who was trying to repent, to come to terms, who both had a testimony and deep emotional damage from earlier in his life. It took him several years to regain all that he had lost. He was my husband, and when I stand at the judgment I think maybe the most important thing I will be able to say is that I stayed married. Once he lost his membership in the Church and all that goes with it. Now he is a high priest taking people to the temple, which is a great joy to him, to us.

It took a long series of small, insistent miracles to bring him understanding and healing, and to bring me understanding and healing as well. I had the powerful assurance, repeated along the way, that all would come out right, and it has.

If the situation is such that the offender is not willing to repent or even consider the need, or has harmed our children, it is much harder. Then all you can do is leave judgment in the hands of the Lord and take care of those you love. You won't ever forget what happened, but you can let go so that you are not in pain, just in recognition and acknowledgment. You can find healing. It will still hurt sometimes for the sake of your loved one(s).

The most profound story I know of forgiveness when you're not sure you can find it is from the experience of Corrie Ten Boom, who was imprisoned by the Nazis for hiding Jews. Her sister and father died in the camps but she survived. In The Hiding Place she tells her story of smuggling a Bible into the barracks, of keeping faith alive.

After the war ended she traveled around the area, preaching forgiveness and reconciliation between the Dutch and the Germans, preaching the love of Christ and the atonement on our behalf, all of us. After one such meeting, a man approached her who had been a guard at her camp. She remembered him all too well, but he had no memory of her. How could he, of all the hundreds of terrified women he had ushered into hell?

But he stood before her and said that he had become a Christian and he was very sorry for all he had done. Would she forgive him? He extended his hand. She knew that was her message and her charge, but she quailed before this so-personal spiritual challenge.

She just stood there; then she prayed, "Father, I can't find what is required in my own feelings, but I can raise my arm. If I can choose to act by raising my arm to meet his, please give me the feelings I need. Make it real." When their hands clasped, she was flooded with the power and joy of the Spirit and cried, "Yes, brother I forgive you. With all my heart!"

Forgiveness is both a choice of effort and intent, and a gift of the Spirit. It is a cleansing process as much as repentance is. Time, faith, prayer, hope, and choice will bring healing no matter what the circumstance.

Been There Too

Thanks for reminding us, Been There, that even the most horrible sins can be forgiven. We can't do it alone, but God is there and willing to help us if, as Corrie ten Boom did, we can just raise our hands.

Okay, readers, that's it for this week. I'm sure your letters have helped "Wounded" in her quest for healing.

Until next time Kathy

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

Lewis B. Smedes

HRH Neenerita Queen of Alot
LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM,
BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

At the End of Your Rope

2010-08-31T09:17:00.001-07:00

Meridian Magazine

At the End of Your Rope

By Maurine Proctor

Maurine Proctor writes a regular column on Tuesdays on Meridian.

Two weeks ago at Girl's Camp, we had a special activity one night based on the iron rod and Lehi's vision of the tree of life. It profoundly impacted the girls and every testimony the next day was about this experience.

It went like this. We led the girls deep into the woods, where the darkness was thick, and blindfolded them, making it even darker and disorienting. Then, one by one, they were led from the circle and given a rope to hang on to which represented the iron rod, the word of God.

They were not told why they should hold on to the rope or exactly where they were going, but instead that they would be given a guide, whose voice could be completely trusted to deliver them safely to their destination.

They were told, too, that if they were concerned or felt unsure, they could ask their guide anything and they would be given an answer that they could count on.

The rope was about 250 feet long and led through a tortuous path. Sometimes the girls had to walk across a trail that was gnarled with roots; sometimes they had to go under the rope to stay on the path. Once in awhile the rope was wound around a fat tree trunk and they would have to feel their way around. At one point a second rope took off at right angles, adding confusion.

This would have been hard enough in the dark, but to make it worse, all along the way were tempters, whose voices urged the girls to abandon the rope, to just let go and give up on their journey.

My husband, Scot, was one of those tempters, and he, like all the others, had a certain natural talent for it. The rule was the tempters couldn't touch the girls, but their voices could allure, worry, or tempt them all along their path. The temptations fell naturally from their lips. They had heard them before in their own heads.

Scot followed along talking in each girl's ear, hounding her, his voice loud enough that he all but drowned out the quieter voice of the guide.

To one girl, he said in the friendliest of voices, "If you follow me, I've got everything you want. I have boyfriends, parties, money, fun. Just let go of the rope."

To another, he lied, "Everything has changed, and you no longer have to hold on to the rope. You're special and you can let go."

He said, "This is scary. If you let go, I can get rid of that blindfold and you can see everything clearly. All your friends already have."

But the most effective temptation of all was personal, "Do you realize how stupid you look holding on to that rope? Truly, what you are doing is so dumb."

That introduction of doubt and fear stymied many a girl making her way along that "iron rod."

Still, most of the girls held on tight, felt their way along the rope, and ended up removing their blindfold at a beautiful "tree of life," all lit up, with their bishop dressed in white to greet them with a friendly hand clasp. They were safe. They had made it. Many of their eyes filled with tears of joy.

Isn't it fascinating how Satan always uses the same patterns to pry us loose from our devotion to God? To knock us for a loopespecially when we are the end of our rope?

He likes to terrorize us, to make us frightened, so that we believe that everything that matters to us is on the line, that we can never have what we want, or that something precious is about to be snatched away, that our life and well-being itself is on the line.

He likes to paint our lives in such a way that we think something important is about to be lost, and that every hope we ever had was useless, worthless, unrealistic. He wants us to believe that all of our efforts have been fruitless, that it was silly to try, that we have failed at everything, that we have put ourselves in a prison from which we can never be free. He wants us to believe that things will never get better.

He likes to overwhelm us, send us multiple trials at once, strip us bare and clean, as a bone on the beach, of any sense of well-being.

He likes to threaten us with loss and fear. He likes to paint the worst possible picture of our lives and our efforts and our worth. He likes to exaggerate the faults of those who pain us.

Then, when we are so vulnerable, he likes to tell us that God will not help us. He will not help our situation. He will not help our heart or strengthen our feeble knees.

He likes to tell us that silence means God isn't there, or even more hurtful that God doesn't care. That is his biggest whopper of all. God doesn't love you, and your suffering simply doesn't matter to him. That is the voice of the Tempter.

You have been so stupid to put your faith and hope in a God that will not deliver you when you are so miserable. Just let go of your hope. Let go of your faith. You look so stupid with your hopeful face turned heavenward. This is the voice of the Tempter.

We may be brave when battered by life at first, but it is when, with grinding minute after grinding minute, we are worn down, that we may finally succumb. You are so stupid waiting for a God who ignores your dearest plea.

How can we be so sure this is Satan's pattern? Because you can see it in scripture. Take two instances.

No one can imagine the terror of seeing the Assyrian army blustering with its war machines, battle gear and sharp arrows as it surrounded little Jerusalem, 185,000 warriors strong, intent to decimate the city, intent for blood.

The army came with the bombast of a leader who scoffed at their foolish belief in Jehovah. While the people in Jerusalem trembled, while King Hezekiah rent his clothes in anguish, the Assyrian leader rants his curses:

From 2 Chronicles:

Doth not Hezekiah persuade you to give over yourselves to die by famine and by thirst, saying The Lord our God shall deliver us out of the hand of the king of Assyria?

Know ye not what I and my fathers have done unto all the people of other lands? Were the gods of the nations of those lands any ways able to deliver their lands out of mine hand?

Who was there among all the gods of those nations that my fathers utterly destroyed, that could deliver people out of mine hand, that your God should be able to deliver you out of my hand?

Now therefore let not Hezekiah deceive you, nor persuade you on this manner, neither yet believe him: for no god of any nation or kingdom was able to deliver his people out of mine hand, and out of the hand of my fathers: how much less shall your God deliver you out of mine hand? (2 Chronicles 32: 11-15).

Translation: Let go of the rope, you believers in Jehovah. You look so stupid. Truly, what you are doing is so dumb.

Result: God sent a destroying angel and when the citizens of Jerusalem awoke the next morning, shaking with fear, they saw that the entire Assyrian army lay dead in their places.

Now this from the Book of Mormon: Giddianhi, the leader of the ferocious and subtle Gadiantons, sent a letter to Lachoneus, the governor of the Nephites. He said:

It seemeth a pity unto me, most noble Lachoneus, that ye should be so foolish and vain as to suppose that ye can stand against so many brave men who are at my command, who do now at this time stand in their arms, and do await with great anxiety for the wordGo down upon the Nephites and destroy them.

Yield yourselves up unto us, and unite with us and become acquainted with our secret works, and become our brethren that ye may be like unto usnot our slaves, but our brethren and partners of all our substance.

Translation: Let go of the rope, you believers in Jehovah. You look so stupid. Truly, what you are doing is so dumb.

Result: Giddianhi is slain, the Gadianton robbers are defeated and the Nephites praise the Lord for their victories.

When you are clobbered with fear, when your hope seems to have blown away, don't let go of the iron rod, your faith in God. He knows who you are and what you need, and he has not abandoned you.

In Dante's Divine Comedy, there is an inscription over the entrance to hell that reads, "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here." The Adversary would actually have us abandon hope and trust in the Lord, and his deliverance of us immediately--that hell begin for us right now.

If so tempted, let me paint for you the picture of one of the young-women campers holding on to the rope that night. She was young, probably 13. It may have been her first year at camp. She probably felt vulnerable, blindfolded in the dark. She was a slight figure in the dark, just a wisp.

Scot whispered to her with the voice of the tempter, "You look so stupid, holding on to that rope. Truly, what you are doing is so dumb."

With great dignity, she turned to him, her blindfolded eyes gazing towards his voice, and proclaimed, "Then so be it."

I know in whom I have trusted, she might have said with Nephi. I will not let go.

HRH Neenerita Queen of Alot
LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM,
BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

Fear Is a Lie

2010-08-13T16:54:00.001-07:00

Meridian Magazine

Fear Is a Lie By Darla Isackson

I've had many major bouts with fear in the last few months. The fear always pops up uninvited and unexpected, and ferocious in its attack. I'm often startled that I can be so shaken, so diminished, so tried by fears that my head long ago figured out were irrational.

I've come to believe that fear vs faith is the primary test for every human being. Because of the fall, our natural man tendency is to be afraid. When we are not actively inviting the Spirit to influence our thoughts, our minds seem to naturally fall into "can'ts," worries, doubts, and negative conclusions. Fear and negativity is the path of least resistance. I believe the adversary magnifies that tendency by planting fear thoughts in the soil of our minds on a regular basis. Our challenge is to recognize those fear weeds whenever they first appear and root them out by turning our thoughts to the Lord. If we feed and water them instead, they can grow as fast as Jack's beanstalk!

Because I have a soul-deep desire to live in light and truth, the best motivation I've found to weed out fear is simply to see that fear thoughts are lies. In order to dig those fear weeds out by the roots I must recognize the thoughts and challenge their truthfulness by taking the following steps:

The first step toward recognition is to turn a floodlight on my thoughts, taking them out of the darkness of automatic pilot into mindfulness. In other words, I have to pay attention to what I am thinking. For Instance, as I started writing about my recent fears, which were all centered about my desire to create a book of comfort for those who had lost a loved one to suicide, I realized that one of my thoughts was: "I'm not up to this task--physically, mentally or emotionally. Besides, the very process of writing such a book is sure to drown me in grief."

Those thoughts were creating all kinds of resistance and bad feelings: self-doubt, dissatisfaction with my life, restlessness, guilt that I didn't have the faith to move ahead. All these negative thoughts filled me with fear that if I did try, I would surely fail.

Once I had pinpointed the thoughts, the second step was to challenge them.

Challenge Your Thinking

In Randy J. Gibbs' excellent new book, You Get to Say: Making Sense of Trials, Setback, and Negative Surprises, we read, "If negative and stressful feelings accompany your thoughts, that tells you that you are embracing a lie."(1)

Well, the thoughts I mentioned above certainly qualified: negative and stressful feelings accompanied them. So Randy suggests we say, "Is this stressful thought really true? Can I know for certain that it's true?" (2)

"Toxic, fearful thoughts are harmful only because we wholeheartedly believe them. . . But negative feelings always signal to us that there is something twisted, distorted, or utterly flawed in our thinking." (3)

He explains that stressful feelings [such as fear] are always a function of untrue thoughts and beliefs. As our mind interprets, judges, and assigns meaning, it is vital to question our thoughts. Think about it: the Holy Ghost is the voice of truth and comfort. Truth and comfort go together. The fruits of the Spirit are always peace, joy, and lovenot fear and misery. So if a thought is making us anxious, upset, fearful, diminished, we can be sure the thought originates from the natural man mind or from Satan's promptings. (Probably both.) Most importantly, it is based on lies. (I have to interject here that Satan is a master at mixing the lie with just enough truth to make it seem plausible. That's how he gets us to believe it.) But the Lord can help us sort out the truth from the lies.

Satan's primary tools are shame, guilt, and fear. We can ask for the Spirit to help us see light and truth. We can cast Satan out and follow, instead the Lord's pattern of encouragement, building on strengths, repenting and moving on when we see the need.

Letting Go of Fear

Let me tell you how I overcame the fears referred to above. Fortunately, I had learned to challenge my thoughts and to recognize the source of doubt and fear. I kept feeling the promptings of the Spirit to proceed, so day by day I turned my fear over to the Lord, and asked Him to help me see the truth. I wrote down my fearful thoughts one by one and said, "Is that thought true? What could be more true?" I came to recognize that it was true that I wasn't up to this task by myself. But the Lord wasn't asking me to do it by myself. Not only would He help and strengthen me, but He would lead me several other people who would give me support, feedback, and encouragementand others who would even provide answers to some of my physical and emotional problems.

Just by diving into the project I exposed the lie that it was going to drown me in grief. Instead I found myself immersed in the Spirit, comforted and uplifted.

With the Lord's help I kept putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward one step at a time. Whenever fear again threatened my ability to move forward, (and it happened several times in the course of the writing) I wrote down my thoughts and challenged them, asking the Lord to help me see the truth. One time I was swamped with fear that nothing I had written so far was any good. Sweet friends who were giving me feedback rallied to encourage me. Brenda Floyd wrote, "You have met with a sort of resistance. Don't let it dampen your inspiration. Keep going. Remember the purpose of your work." Two other mothers assured me how much my writing had already helped them.

I turned to the scriptures and fastened my mind on the following verses, reading and repeating them often:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." (Joshua 1:9)

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." (Isaiah 41:10)

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear . . ." (Psalm 46: 1-2)

"God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

"Fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks." (D&C 98:1)

Asking for the Lord's help and moving ahead with the strength I found from the scriptures and the support from these friends helped me out of the fear over and over.

The truth was that the Lord wanted me to do this work and Satan didn't. That became more and more apparent as I overcame one fear attack after another. The happy news is that the further I got into the work, the more the process yielded a harvest of love, joy, and peace. I didn't expect it; I never would have anticipated it because of the hard topic of suicide I was dealing with.

The Great "Letting Go"

Why do we so often "sell the Lord short"getting stuck in fear, forgetting that He is always true to His promises that are so abundantly given us in the scriptures. And one of those promises is that when we follow the Spirit we will get the fruits of the Spirit!

We live in the best of times and the worst of timesa time of great enlightenment and truth more readily available than ever before. A time when the gospel light shines across the globe via the Internet. A time when the Spirit is striving to create a Zion people prepared to meet the Lord.

But in order to take advantage of the best, we have to let go of the worst; we have to weed out Satan's influence and Satan's lies. More and more people are learning to be mindfulto discern between truth and lies and let go of the lies, false traditions, false assumptions that can keep us in bondage.

We are living in a day of "the great letting go." Most importantly, we need to let go of fear.

We need to let go of the fear that we will never get what we most desire. We need to let go of the fear that holds us back from focusing on the true desires of our hearts. God is a God of joy, love, compassion and fun. When we overcome fear and follow our hearts and follow the Spirit we find all of those things.

Overcoming Fear of Lack

Especially in these difficult economic times, Satan would like to keep us in fear of that we will never have enoughnot enough time, not enough money, not enough energy. He is the author of scarcity mentality. I suppose a good percentage of my fear has been from his efforts to convince me that I am not enough and don't have enough of what I need to become more and do more.

However, God is a God of abundance: good measure, shaken down, running over. When we rise above fear and focus on the Lord we know there is enough of everythingbecause He makes up the difference. When we are weak, He is strong. When we are lacking, He strengthens and fortifies us. He has asked us to be yoked with Him so that His power works through and with us to accomplish His purposes. Our fear of lack is only a lack of seeing we can create more and that God can give more, which is always the case.

Socialism and communism are Satan's plans and are based on lack. The law of consecration is God's planand is based on the truth that there is enough and to spare as long as we are working with God's help and sharing freely with all.

Affirmations I find helpful are: "I'm enough today for what God needs me to do. Whatever I am lacking He makes up for. There is enough time for what He wants me to do, because He would never require the impossible."

Why We Can Be Sure Fear Is Based on Lies

Through this whole process I have become more and more convinced that fear is always a lie because we are safe in God's hands every moment. We are His children. His power prevails. We have all the scriptures and words of the Prophets to testify to those facts. Whether we live or die, we can trust God with the final outcome, so we are safe.

In my books I share a special experience that seems to perfectly illustrate the point I am making:

A few years ago I was going through a hard time spiritually. One night I had an unusual dreamso real, so vivid. I saw myself driving alone up a narrow mountain road, shivering in the cold of a dark rainy night. Fear enveloped me. The road had no shoulder; no place I could turn around or pull over, much as I wanted to. I was driving slowly, carefully, higher and higher up the mountain, but the road was treacherous and slick with rain. As I approached a hairpin curve, I suddenly realized I could not hold the road. I've never been more terrified as my car sailed off into black dark nothingness. I was falling, helpless, knowing I was going to die. The only thing I could do was surrender to Godgive myself totally over to Him. As I did so, my fear was swallowed up by the most intense, most amazing peace I have ever known. I felt and saw myself cradled, safe and warm, in God's loving hands (just like I've seen pictures of the whole world in His hands) and nothing else mattered.

I woke up still wrapped in peace, and sat up in bed, amazed. The symbolic message was clear: In one of the most perilous circumstances I could imagine, the Lord had shown me I could trust Him implicitly. I am always in His hands, always spiritually safe, regardless of outward danger. That message increases in importance as calamity and evil increases in this world.

I often come across scriptural passages that powerfully validate my dream, such as, "Know ye not that ye are in the hands of God? Know ye not that he hath all power?" (Mormon 5:23) and "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God" (D&C 101:6).

We can say "Get thee behind me Satan" and call on the Lord to help us, and ask specifically to have the Holy Ghost fill our minds with light and truth--which brings the opposite of fear--peace, joy, love, hope

Fear IS a lie. Let's choose the truth of peace, joy, love and hope.

1 Randy J. Gibbs, You Get to Say: Making Sense of Trials, Setback, and Negative Surprises, CFI, Springville, UT, 2010, p. 10

2 Ibid, pp. 14-153 Ibid, p. 13-14

HRH Neenerita Queen of Alot
LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM,
BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

Alive in Christ

2010-07-19T12:55:00.001-07:00

Alive in Christ
By H. Wallace Goddard

When I was a teen and looked around our ward in Salt Lake City on Sundays, it seemed that more people were asleep in Christ than alive in Christ. They may not have been in actual slumber, but, with a few notable exceptions, they seem bored, tired, and dispirited. They did not exude the sense of revelers at a glorious feast.

My beloved Aunt Ruth was a notable exception; she might begin a Sunday School class by exclaiming, "Don't you just love Jesus!" But most members of the ward seemed to be more energized by a hallway (or classroom) conversation about the football scoreboard than by the offer of His cleansing flesh and blood. When the sports conversations were interrupted by gospel discussions, their faces turned listless.

It is certain that I was not privy to the hearts and secret devotions of the adults in our ward. But, as a youth, I was hungry for some evidence that adulthood could be a time of spiritual delight. As I marched reluctantly toward adulthood, I hoped that it would be a time of spiritual vibrancy, that I would not be sagging toward spiritual dullness. I wanted to be energized rather than comatose.

What is it that causes good members of the church to lose their spiritual vibrancy? Is there just not enough meat on the gospel bones to sustain vibrant living across decades?

Languishing Relationships

Let's compare our relationships with Jesus with our relationship with our spouses. When couples court, they exude joy. They delight in shared words, gestures, and touches. They rejoice in their partners.

Time passes. After a decade of marriage, many couples share living space, major appliances, and little else. Irritation is as much the theme as love and intimacy. Little annoyances are more common than little delights. There may still be times of delight but the relationship is no longer vibrant.

In how many long-term marriages do you see spouses delighting in each other's company, listening appreciatively to each other's thoughts, and making excuses to be together? Appreciation and devotion are sometimes replaced with toleration or irritation. They say they have grown apart. In truth, they have grown bored or weary with each other. They sigh that the person they now share life with is not the same as the person they married.

Flourishing Relationships

There are exceptions. There are those couples whose companionship seems vibrant, joy-filled, and affectionate. There are those who seem to have won the world's war of attrition waged against long-term love. In my observation, they are rare; but they are real.

Maybe that is the point of mortality. Maybe God is giving us an opportunity in a world where weeds grow, wilt thrives, and fruit trees struggle to survive, to see what we will nurture. Will we battle pests, drought, and poor soil to assure a vibrant harvest? Or will we curse the weeds and slump into despair?

My colleague and friend, James Marshall, astutely observed that "the grass grows greener on the side of the fence you water most." Some of us stop listening to and appreciating our spouses. We listen instead to Sports Central. Or the Shopping Network. Or political vitriol.

We consider our marriage partners old hat. She/he says the same things. He/she misses the great truths that I value. She/he makes the same mistakes over and over again.

The remedy prescribed by decades of research is a revelation. If you want your marriage to thrive, hold on to your illusions. Literally. Happy couples see qualities in their partners that no one else sees. They dismiss irritations as unimportant and temporary. They celebrate simple blessings.

Those who want to have happy marriages are anything but coolly objective. They steadily look for good and regularly find it. And, when they do, they cherish it.

The Bond with Heaven

This relates to our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. At some point we felt to sing the song of redeeming love. Do we still feel that way? Are our days and weeks filled with wonder at His works? Do we feel awe at His involvement in our lives?

Just as in marriage, sustaining a relationship with God involves selective perception. We can curse the inroads of disease or we can celebrate the miracle of life. We can complain of injustice or cherish His steady stream of grace.

We can make Him our companion on every errand or we can leave Him at home. We can appreciatively study His Word or we can drag through our daily reading as just another obligation. We can delight in His gifts or we can carp that things are not as we wished. We can rejoice in our lessons and experiences at church or we can complain about rambling talks and poor lessons. We can cherish our opportunities to minister or we can grumble about the demands on our time.

We make real choices in our actions and our perceptions. The attraction of gloom is strong. To sustain love and faith requires real effort. We must choose light over darkness; it will not force itself upon us.

In the midst of the Revolutionary conflict, Thomas Paine made a wise observation: "The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price on its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as [a loving, vibrant relationship with Christ] should not be highly rated" (from The Crisis with the word "freedom" exchanged for the phrase in brackets).

The Choice

Weeds fill vacant lots. Gravity pulls us toward slumping. Yet Jesus sends rain and light to nurture tender growth. His love tugs us Heavenward. He constantly offers us a vibrant and fulfilling relationship with Him. His prophets define the choice we must make:

I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live (Deuteronomy 30:19, emphasis added).

By choosing life, we can be those people who fill their worshiping with purpose, their lessons with testimony, their learning with rejoicing, and their service with love. May we be those whose lives testify to the next generation that being alive in Christ is both fully available and indescribably joyous.

HRH Neenerita Queen of Alot
LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM,
BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

The Widow's Mites--A New Perspective

2010-03-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

M E R I D I A N M A G A Z I N E

The Widow's Mites--A New Perspective
By Larry Barkdull

Shortly after Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem and within the week that he would give his life in the consummate act of atonement, he went into the temple to worship and to teach. He had spent the day declaring his authority, expounding parables, speaking of rending unto Caesar and God their own, teaching of celestial marriage and the two great commandments, and testifying of his divine Sonship.

Now he turned to his disciples and warned them to beware of those scribes, whose hypocrisy harmed those who were among Israel's most vulnerablewidows. In ancient Israel, the Lord had made provisions for widows. If they had no adult children to care for them, they were to marry one of their husband's kinsmen or be taken in by their husbands' families. But if that did not happen, widows could face a life of excruciating loneliness and poverty. Worse, widows who were also childless became desperately miserable. They ranked among the most disenfranchised members of society. If no one took pity on them, they could live the remainder of their lives without hope or love.

Jesus had warned his disciples of the scribes' abusive actions towards widows when he gazed into the courtyard and observed a "poor widow" depositing two mites into the treasury (Mark 12:41-44; Luke 21:1-4). A mite was the smallest coin in value and in size. The treasury was located in the Court of Women of the temple, where stood thirteen receptacles for collecting temple tribute and voluntary charitable offerings. Each receptacle was trumpet-shaped--narrow at the mouth and wide at the bottom. Affixed labels on each receptacle identified the type of donation.

Although sacred donations are supposed to be between the giver and the Lord, the metallic receptacles were situated in a public place so that every contribution was accompanied by a loud clanking sound. Every person in the courtyard could hear the giver dropping in his coins, and often eyes would turn toward the sound. This environment provided fertile ground for praise seekers. Donors who sought public acclaim could purchase more than Jehovah's approbation by making a substantial contribution of heavy coinage. It was simply good for business and good for the image for a person to be seen as a generous and a devout temple-goer. Perhaps that hypocrisy had drawn Jesus' rebuke on an earlier occasion when he had chastised those who "sound a trumpet" and give their alms (contributions to the poor) to be seen of men. Such people, he said, traded God's reward for the praise and honor of men (Matthew 6:1-4).

Not so with the widow. She had come so quietly that Jesus had to point her out to his disciples. Her two tiny mites would have landed in the treasury like feathers on cotton.

The Widow Comes to the Temple

Although the widow and her mites occupy a mere four verses in the gospels of Mark and Luke, we can glean much about this faithful woman from her story.

Coming up to the temple was no small task. Similar to temple worship today, if you were going to attend the temple, you would plan on spending a fair portion of your day. Prayer and sacrifice would be your primary aims. Beyond worship, you might also go to appeal to God for assistance for solutions that lay beyond your own strength. In every age, the poor, desperate, and miserable have sought refuge in the temple, the nearest place to God on earth. There, they have hoped to be seen and heard by God, and receive his help.

We expect that such was the case of this poor widow. Because of her obvious impoverished condition, she was likely childless and probably her husband's family had abandoned her. With little doubt, she was alone in the world without support, protection or companionship. Her husband had left her nothing, or if he had, it was gone by now. After his death, she would have had her dowry for her support; Israelite brides receive a dowry for such eventualities, but apparently it had been used up. This widow was now reduced to the level of the widow who had assisted Elijah. Her two mites represented no more than the other widow's "handful of meal in a barrel and a little oil" (1 Kings 17:12). But there was another similarity: like the widow of old, the widow Jesus saw was also willing to give to God all that she had. We wonder if this widow, like her counterpart, also considered her sacrifice as the last she could give before she lay down and died.

The widow's decision to make her sacrifice had brought her to the long bridge that led to Temple Mount, a huge 35-acre complex that rose high in the air and dwarfed Jerusalem. She would have observed the massive retaining walls that supported and surrounded the complex. At the center of the Temple Mount, she would have gazed upon the holy temple, the House of the Lord, the sacred edifice that connected earth and heaven. A popular saying must have rung true in her ears as she gazed upon the temple: "He who has not seen the temple has not seen anything beautiful."

Looking up, she would have seen the imposing pinnacle of the temple, where every morning, a priest would sound his trumpet to signal the beginning of the daily sacrifices. From there, one could see all Jerusalem, the Roman Antonia Fortress at the corner of Temple Mount, Herod's opulent palace near the city walls, and beyond the walls, the ominous Golgotha, the frightening rocky hill with cavities that resembled the eyes of a skull. Opposite Golgotha, was the Mount of Olives with its beautiful garden called Gethsemane. Events would soon play out there that likely had never crossed her mind.

The widow would have arrived at a wide set of steps that led into Temple Mount. At the top of these steps stood the Hulda Gates, and before the gates were three pools, where she would have ritually purified herself, in order to gain access to the most sacred precincts of the temple. Many beggars and infirm people were stationed there, hoping and begging for mercy from the temple-goers. Was her destiny to become one of them?

Now within the gates of the temple, she would have ascended a long, dimly lit staircase that ran under Temple Mount and emerged in the court of the temple above. When she stepped out of the darkness into the brightness of light, she would have had the sensation of entering the celestial world, possibly causing hope to surge within her. The court was called the Court of the Gentiles, so named because anyone of any nationality or religion was allowed here. This court was massive with two rows of stunning white-marble pillars, each nearly forty feet high that ran the perimeter of Temple Mount and supported the roof that doubled as a walkway and observation deck. Crossing the Court of the Gentiles, the widow would have encountered people of multiple nationalities and heard dialects from many parts of the world. She would have also observed renowned rabbis teaching their disciples at various locations in the courtyard. And, of course, she would have noticed more underprivileged people, who were begging-- the blind and the crippled, so many that one could easily have become numb to their plight. Did her heart sink because she was so close to joining them?

The widow would have made her way toward the magnificent temple that rose breathtakingly heavenward above a balustrade of imposing walls that surrounded it, each entrance posted with warning notices to foreigners not to venture forth without incurring the death penalty. The temple's white and rose-accented limestone finish was so brilliant that she would have had to shield her eyes to behold it. From a distance, the temple would have appeared like a great snow-clad mountain. Parts of the structure were decorated with pure gold and precious gems of blue and green. The gold and cool colors contrasted elegantly with the temple's dominant white exterior. Towering, gold-plated pilasters added to the temple's beauty. Atop the pilasters were crenellations that lined the roof, suggesting the crown of a king.

Contrasting this spectacular visual feast were the places of vendors, who made the temple a place of merchandise. Earlier in the week, Jesus had rid the temple of these people, which event would contribute to his coming crucifixion. Proceeding to the sacred inner courts, she would have chosen between three gates that led into the first inner court, which was called the Court of the Women. This is where Jesus spotted her. Beyond this court was the Court of the Men or the Court of Israel and the temple itself with the altar of sacrifice before it.

From this description, we can easily see that this widow had not made the trip to the temple casually. She had planned a full day, and her intent was obviously to make a sacrifice and pray. We can assume by her meager offering that she had come because she was desperate. She had no one and nothing. What she did havetwo mites--she had determined to give in sacrifice, undoubtedly because she had a glimmer of faith that "sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven." She had no other hope. Everyone who should have cared for her had forsaken her, and because she had no man in her life to provide her safety, security and love, she now turned to the only Man she could trust. Here, in his house, she would throw herself upon his mercy.

Jesus Sees the Widow
One cannot read of the widow without coming to the conclusion that when she offered her tiny but enormous sacrifice, she was utterly isolated by her humility and her poverty. Seemingly, on this most important day of her life no one had paid any attention to her or her plight. But Jesus noticed. He saw her. The very person whom she had prayed would help her noticed her! The God of heaven was in his holy temple, just as she had prayed he would be, and he saw her there in his house!

Which brings us to a disturbing question: Was Jesus just an observer or did his notice urge him to action? To answer that question, we might ask ourselves if we have any evidence that Jesus ever observed anyone's pain without rushing to their aid. Could we imagine him taking the occasion to use the widow and her desperation as a convenient visual teaching aid then turn his back on her? We simply cannot form a mental image of a Savior who observes but does not save.

There is another important part of this story that we should consider. When Jesus pointed out this widow and her sacrifice to the disciples, he seemed to know everything about her. For example, he knew that she was a widow. How did he know that? Certainly not by her clothing. She was, after all, very poor and probably was wearing the only garment she owned. Besides, in those days, the practice of mourning was typically demonstrated by rending one's clothing and covering one's head with dust. That would have happened long before her trip to the temple. Also, Jesus knew that she had dropped two mites into the treasury. How could he have known the denomination or number of coins when at a distance they would have been too small to see or hear? For that matter, how did he know that the two mites were "all her living?" Clearly, Jesus knew her intimately. They had never met, and yet he knew everything about her!

What Happened to the Widow?

We wish we knew the rest of the story of the widow. But we can surmise. We know, for example, that an eternal law governs the payment of tithes and offerings. Windows of heaven burst open when such faith is manifested (Malachi 3:10). This poor widow had come to the temple to make an offering.

Another law of heaven states that we must ask to receive (3 Nephi 18:20; Moroni 7:26), and we must knock for the Lord to open unto us (3 Ne 27:29). Additionally, we know that in the process of asking and knocking, we must also make a sacrifice or our prayer is vain (Alma 34:28). This widow had come to the temple to ask, knock and make a sacrifice.

If this widow was fasting that day--and we suppose that she was--the law of the fast also calls for a sacrifice (Isaiah 58:7), which, as we noted, the widow came to the temple to make. We are told that the law of the fast yields incredible blessings such as relieving heavy burdens, allowing the oppressed to go free, and breaking every yoke (Isaiah 58:6). Would these blessings not be available to her for applying this law?

Finally, we are taught that temple service summons some of the most powerful blessings available to God's children. The widow's temple would certainly have qualified her to claim such blessings.

With confidence, we believe that life changed for this widow. Perhaps the hearts of her husband's family softened towards her. Maybe someone took pity on her or money began to show up unexpectedly. Could it be that another man came into her life and rescued her from an existence of loneliness and poverty? Any number of things could have happened, and we have every reason to believe that they did. Why? Because we know who saw her.

We can take a lesson from the widow. When we find ourselves lonely, lacking, desperate, and in some way impoverished, we can likewise summon faith and approach the Lord with the purpose of giving him all that we have left to give. That sacrifice is called the sacrifice of the heart. Guaranteed, when we consider our pitiful offering we will wonder, Is it enough? We might even ask ourselves, Will he see me? Will my two tiny mites attract the attention of the God of heaven? Will he hear my prayer? Does he know me? Does he know what I'm going through? Will he help me?

And the answer is yes.

HRH Neenerita Queen of Alot
LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM,
BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

Is Anything Too Hard for the Lord?

2010-03-24T09:00:00.001-07:00

M E R I D I A N M A G A Z I N E

Is Anything Too Hard for the Lord?
Letters from the HighlandsMarch 2010
By Anne Perry

I love the early chapters of Genesis, especially when we concentrate on the story of Abraham and Sarah. So many things stand out which are acutely applicable to us in a very different world, different cultures, and millennia later.

Abraham pleaded with God to spare Sodom and Gomorrah if there were even a handful of just people there. How often do we argue and plead, ask for one thing at the cost of another? Sometimes it is right. As Isaiah says 'Come let us reason together, saith the Lord'. When we have done so, God is right, but perhaps we understand better than before we asked. Blind obedience is seldom called for, and only when action must be immediate and there is no time to delay.

But as we know, there were too few just people, and both cities brought their destruction upon themselves. Abraham was safe, and so were Lot and his family until Lot's wife disobeyed, and looked back.

'Do not look back' is surely a figurative commandment to all of us. It is very difficult not to look back, not ever to go back and see if you can save something from the destruction. Perhaps her parents were there, her siblings?

What does the 'do not look back' really mean? Carry on in your way and think of no one else? It cannot be. When you have committed yourself to a path that is righteous, do not waver in your covenants, do not try to 'have your cake and eat it', do not hunger for old ways that belong in a past you have left behind? Yes, I believe so. Do not carry old grudges, do not remember old angers and seek revenge, do not cling to old habits that are destructive? Yes, certainly. Forgive others, forgive yourself, look forward, not back? I believe so, profoundly.

How often do we drag with us old pains longer than we need to, old guilts and old senses of injustice? By doing so, what do we turn ourselves into? Not a pillar of salt, but something without life or growth, certainly a great deal less than we could have been.

Look forward, look to the goal ahead.

The promise to Abraham and Sarah was that through their seed all the nations of the earth should be blessed. They were good people, both of them. They had human failings and vulnerabilities, as we all do, but they had supreme faith. And it was sorely tested. It ceased to be with Sarah 'after the manner of women'. Surely she must have thought it impossible that the promise of a child would be kept? In fact she even asked Abraham to take Hagar so that he might have children through her! She must have loved him profoundly to do that.

And Hagar gave birth to Ishmael, and mocked Sarah. That must have been bitter to take.

Sarah was angry, but she did not rail against God. She did not accuse Him that His promise to her had been broken.

And two men, who were angels, visited Abraham and he made them welcome. They told him that the promise would still be kept, in spite of the fact that Sarah was ninety, and Abraham himself was ninety-nine.

At first they were incredulous, then they believed.

"Is anything too difficult for God?" the angels asked.

But we do not always have the faith to believe the heart rather than the eye, or the mind.

And always there is the question what did God actually promise, and what is it that is just my own wishing? Are there conditions? Yes, often there are. God will do things IF I do something myself. I don't believe it is a matter of bargaining,so much as that God can give us certain things ONLY if we make ourselves able to accept them, and use them well.

We would not give matches or razor blades to a child, if we loved that child. If they asked for a drink, we would not give them boiling water, or pour it onto the ground instead of into a cup. We would say 'Hold it steady' and 'Don't spill it, 'Wait till it cools'.

How often are we impatient and want the gift before we are ready to keep it, use it wisely, value it enough to preserve it rather than break it?

One of my besetting sins is to let myself forget that God's timing is right and if mine is different from His, then it is mine which is at fault.

I go back to the story of Gideon in the Book of Judges. He led the children of Israel in battle, and God commanded him to make his army smaller and smaller until it seemed impossible he could win. Then finally when he did win, he knew that the victory was God's. He knew to whom he owed it, he knew just how precious it was, and that 'No! Nothing is too difficult for God'. If the cause is just and the promise is made, then if we do our part, keep faith and strength and love, then it will come to pass. And it will be better than we ever imagined. And, since we know whose gift it is, and what we have paid to receive it, we will treasure it so carefully, and with such gratitude, that it will not slip through our fingers. We will not win, and then lose it again, we will win and keep it for ever.

What of Isaac, then? The child of the miraculous promise, through whom all the nations of the earth would be blessed? God asked Abraham to sacrifice him, take his life.

It is not recorded how much Sarah knew of this, and Isaac was her child too her only child! Not Abraham's only child. He had Ishmael also, from whom nations sprang. Surely Abraham cannot have left Sarah in the dark about what he had to do? They had been married all their adult lives. He was now 120, and she about 110. They had an extraordinary partnership of love. We do not know what she knew, or what she said or did, or how she waited in agony over the days as they traveled to Mount Moriah, and then returned. Did she know God would save Isaac at the last moment? Probably not.

We do know that the sacrifice was a similitude of God's sacrifice of his Only Begotten Son, in the meridian of time. Except that Isaac was spared Christ was not.

Which made me think of Mary. She knew from the beginning that 'a sword would pierce her heart'. Perhaps she knew long before the crucifixion something of the cost. And that there would be no last minute reprieve. And what was her answer to God? 'Be it unto me according to thy word'. Could anyone surpass that?

We are told that we may all be asked at one time or another to offer a sacrifice as great as Abraham's. He was willing to give back to God his only child BEFORE the fulfilment of the covenant that through him all the nations of the earth would be blessed. What trust! It must have seemed impossible, and yet he did not argue or withhold. His own heart must have been breaking, and yet he yielded.

What might our sacrifice be?

It has to be whatever is dearest to us. What is? Time, life, liberty? Those we love the most? An opportunity to do or to have something infinitely precious, something righteous which has to wait for the eternal life before we receive it? Or like Abraham and Sarah, perhaps until it seems as if it is too late and we have missed out?

It will vary from one person to another, but how terrible to find we could not receive the greatest blessing of all because we were not willing to give, and to trust God.

And how sublime if we do give, however difficult, however our faith is stretched to breaking, and yet does not break. Imagine God's joy if we are equal to it. Imagine the richness of the reward eternally!

We might say we are not reaching for such heights, we are more modest, more humble in our aims. We do not desire to walk with Abraham, or Mary.

Yes we do! Because we hunger for the Celestial Kingdom, to be with a perfect companion, one we love and who loves us with laughter, generosity, a passion for life and beauty and whose only greater love is for God. We hunger to be with God ourselves, eventually to become like Him. We do not want second best, to be without those we love, without progress, without the fullness of joy that is possible.

'Man is that he might have joy'. That is our purpose in God's plan, how could we willingly settle for less? Our souls have seen heaven, we are willing to pay what it costs to reach it, in labour, loneliness, tears, sacrifice as needs be. We know better than to imagine it can come for nothing. We also know that if it did, we would not have the strength, the wisdom or the faith to be able to hold onto it.

We have chosen to be adopted into the line of Abraham and Sarah, that means we are heirs both to the price, and to the eternal reward. It is too difficult for us by ourselves, but we are NOT by ourselves. As the angels said 'Is anything too difficult for God?'

No nothing is.

HRH Neenerita Queen of Alot
LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM,
BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

Understanding Codependency from a Gospel Perspective

2010-03-05T08:54:00.001-07:00

Understanding Codependency from a Gospel Perspective
By Colleen Harrison

Over my own life-time, I have suffered from a condition of heart and mind that has been in direct opposition to the principles of agency, stewardship and righteous dominion. This condition in me, which I really thought was being "loving," even charitable, actually had the exact opposite effect on the people I tried to save. I spent years trying to figure out why, when I sacrificed so much of my own life for other people (parents, spouse, children), it didn't seem to inspire them to join me in "working out their salvation." (Laughter is permitted!) It wasn't until I realized that just like some very unrighteous forms of government can look like the Lord's United Order, so it is with this attempt to be "Christ-like" and give my life for my loved one. Someone else had already done that in Gethsemane and on the cross. What I needed to do was turn to Him and get out of His way. That's when I began to realize I wasn't being charitable. I was being codependent. In humility I offer the following example and testimony of how prayerful pondering of the scriptures can lead us to a deeper understanding of how to conduct ourselves in all our relationshipsfirst with the Lord, and then with ourselves and others. CH

It's pretty universally acknowledged that a lot of things can look alike at first glance, but be extremely different when considered in detail. For example, in the realm of snakes there are two species that look so much alike it takes an expert eye to tell them apart, and yet the bite of one is deadly while the other is harmless. One is the coral snake, whose venom is extremely lethalsecond only to rattlesnake venom. The other snake is the equally brightly colored, but totally benign, milk snake. Their nearly identical appearance makes it a matter of life or death to be absolutely certain which one you are dealing withand so it is with codependency and charity.

Charity and codependency can look so similar on the surface, and yet it is how they affect those they touch that makes all the difference in the world. Charitywhich relies on the Savior's guidance to administer love in and through His Spiritis life-affirming and life-giving. In stark contrast, codependency is absolutely poisonous to one's own spiritual life as well as to the life of the addicted loved one who is the object/target of its obsession to save. Rather than fostering hope and faith, as charity does (Moroni 7:40-48), a codependent relationship drains both people of hope and faith.

Codependency Always Has a Price Tag

Codependency always has a price tag; it always expects something in return for the "love" it "gives." Codependency looks generous and self-sacrificing on the outside, but it's doing what it is to get what it wants. The service and sacrifice given in a codependent spirit is never freely given. Someone acting out of codependency and not charity can often be identified by how quick and heated their reaction is if their first efforts to be "loving" don't receive grateful compliance. If we find ourselves having such a reaction to our loved ones' choices, we may need to admit our own dependence on their performance to supply us with a sense of success.

Charity, in complete contrast to codependency, "seeketh not her own" (1 Corinthians 13:5). In other words, charity does not come with a price tag, and it doesn't have expectations. Instead, as mentioned a moment ago, charity encourages hope and faith. Charity is the kind of love that God feels towards us even if we refuse to cooperate with His desire to rescue us from our unwise and sometimes outright unrighteous choices. You can see it in the fact that, no matter how far we wander, He does not give up on us, as demonstrated in these two statementsone from an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, and one from Jesus Christ, Himself:

Save for those few who defect to perdition after having known a fulness, there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness (Boyd K. Packer, "The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness," Ensign, Nov. 1995, 18, emphasis added).

Yea, and as often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me. (Mosiah 26:30).

A Lesson in the Difference Between Holding Expectations and Having Hope

I'll never forget my surprise when one day the Lord presented me with the thought: "Colleen, you need to know that expectations are actuallypremeditated resentments." At first I was puzzled. What? Premeditated? As in planning on something or setting it up ahead of time? Yes. And suddenly, I saw the truth of it. Oh my goodness! I do set myself up to be hurt and disappointed when I expect something and it doesn't come through. Then what should I do if I can't expectsomething from myself or my loved one? I posed my question to the Lord. The answer came with such meekness and mildness: You can have hope.

I felt puzzled again but I was willing to sit still and ponder these ideas for a while, and as I did I began to feel the difference. When I hope something for someone else or for myself there is a lighter, gentler feeling in my heart for them and towards them. I don't feel like I'm going to be personally let down if what I hope for doesn't come through. By contrast, when I expect someone to do something and they don't meet my expectations, I feel a much heavier, let-down, upset feeling. Since that day, I have tried applying this new understanding to my relationships. For example, I don't expect Phil to call me at lunchtime, everyday. . . but I hope he will. If I expect it, I'm somehow so much more "invested" in the outcome. I want to control the outcome and have it turn out, or else. Or else what? Or else I will be sad, upset, offended, hurt . . . maybe even outright angry. But hope sits lightly on my heart and leaves me to accept the situation as it comes to pass and allows me the freedom to let go and go on to hope again.

One of the most powerful demonstrations of charity and its fostering of hope came in my life before Phil and I were married as I watched the relationship between him and his first wife Kathy during the last months before she passed away. As we attended Heart t' Heart meetings together, I saw a degree of love between these two people that had no price tag on it. Even though Kathy's health had taken an irreversible downward turn many years before that had limited their hope for a larger family and that was beginning to threaten her life, Phil so obviously treasured her. And conversely, as I watched Kathy's kindness toward Phil, even when he confessed his ongoing struggle with pornography, I witnessed, firsthand, that genuine love isn't something you give only if your spouse earns it by living up to your expectations or making sure your dreams are fulfilled. I felt no resentment in either of them towards life or towards God for dreams that were obviously not going to come to pass. I cannot sufficiently express my gratitude for being allowed to witness this marriage, based on the foundation of charity, that they forged in their 28 years together. This was the legacy that I was eventually invited to inherit.

Learning to Practice the Second Great Commandment the Way It Is Written

For many years, I heard it taught that I should divide my love up into three portions and put them in this order: First, love of God; second, love of others; and third, love of myself. As I listen carefully, though, and ponder slowly through the Savior's following words, found in Matthew 22:36-40, I feel His testimony to my heart that there are really only two levels of love mentioned there, not three. In other words, while I most definitely hear Him saying that I should love God above all else, I do not hear Him teaching that I should love others above myself or myself above others. Listen and see what you think.

Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. (Matthew 22:36-40)

It may help to hear Mark's rendition of the same statement by the Lord:

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. (Mark 12:30 - 31)

For me, recovery from codependency most definitely includes remembering to keep my love of others and my love of myself fairly balanced. Turning to the Savior, seeking His counsel, I began to see that He loves me and my loved ones with exactly the same tender, patient, longsuffering love. I saw there were times when He led me to put my loved one's best interest first, but there were also times when it was His direct counsel to take care of my own needs first. As I heeded the counsel of President Ezra Taft Benson, to put God ahead of everyone else in my life, I found the Lord blessing me with the gift of His perfect love for both me and my loved ones.

When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.

We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives (Ezra T. Benson, Ensign, May 1988, p. 4, emphasis original).

I can never share President Benson's statement without noting that he delivered these words in general conference, speaking to us as the Prophet, and that he was the one who had the word "everyone" italicized when his talk was printed in the Ensign. I don't know about you, but when the Prophet of the Lord puts that kind of emphasis on an idea, I listen. Put God ahead of everyone else in your life and everything else will "fall into its proper place." I trusted those words and stopped being codependent on (afraid for or of) my addicted loved ones. And things did fall into their proper place, and some things did fall out of my life entirely. And I can't pretend to you that it wasn't excruciatingly painful to let go of my efforts to make everything turn out according to my definition of "right," and instead to let God's higher waythe way of agencytake its course. Neither can I pretend it happened overnight.

This is why I pray that you will begin today to do as Moroni invited, "to seek this Jesus" (Ether 12:41). Truly, He is the one who, if we will put Him first, can direct us for good and teach us all things that we should do to show mutual respect and consideration for ourselves as well as others and for others as well as ourselves.

Codependency Ignores Boundaries and Spurns Agency

Across all the literature I've read on codependency, both as a codependent myself and as a doctoral student in human development, I have found it said that codependency is the result of a person having a poor sense of personal boundaries. I thought, boundaries? Here again was yet another word I was sure wasn't in the Topical Guide. Once more, I turned to the Lord for counsel. What could be the scriptural equivalent of this concept? I wasn't going to go along with it if I couldn't find validation for it in the gospel. One day, I felt the Lord translate this idea of having strong personal boundaries into two gospel principles: the principle of agency and the principle of stewardship.

Not only did I look up these words in the Topical Guide, but I also found myself hyper-sensitive to any stories or teaching I found in the Book of Mormon that might involve these issues without actually using the words. One day I found myself led to read Alma 29:1-4 with new eyes and ears. Oh my goodness! Hereat least in verses 1 and 2I found the great prophet Alma confessing feelings that certainly paralleled my own about getting other people to repent and come unto God. Surely, no one would call that being "codependent"?

O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people! Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.

How I identified with Alma's longing. I too wished that I could have that kind of influence to cry repentance! And hey, I'd settle for just my own family. I'd settle for just my addicted loved one. If I could only do or say somethinganythingthat would ensure his repentance and get him to see the light and forsake his sin. How could that be anything but a righteous desire on my part? But then I read verse 3:

But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.

What? Alma! How could you say that? That you sin in your wish? How could it be that you and I "do sin in [our] wish" that we could get someone else to repent and come to God? I turned to the Lord and felt Him invite me to receive and record His counsel to me through Alma's continued testimony. Humbly, I offer the following thoughts in which I felt as if the Lord were revealing His own heart to me to help me understand how ultimate a principle agency actually iseven to God:

I ought not to harrow up in my desires, the firm decree of a just God.Colleen, in your obsession to see your loved one repent, you are actually trying to harrow up or break apart God's own decree.

For I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life. God's decree grants every person of accountable age the freedom to choose according to his or her own desire to either live in a way that increases his or her joy in life or in a way that brings him or her down into a state of spiritual (and eventually) physical death.

Yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction. Colleen, this "decree" is the gift of agency. It is unalterable. It cannot be righteously altered by anyone except the person himself. Only "according to their wills," can any genuine, sincere change be brought to pass in a person's life. Whether a person's choices lead them into salvation or into destruction, even I the Lord must allow those choices to be made without compulsion upon the souls of men. In other words, I must stand by and allow him or her that freedom. All cooperation with the principles of truth and righteousness must be come voluntarily from within a person's own heart and not by any external "compulsory means." (See D&C 121: 37, 41-42, 46.)

Learning from God How to Detach in Love

Another time while studying the scriptures, seeking guidance from the Spirit of the Lord concerning my anguish over my addicted loved ones, I came upon the following scene in Moses 7:28-32. Here, as if I had never read it before, I was shown the depth of God's own sorrow over His children's unwise use of their agency. In these verses, Enoch saw a vision of "all the nations of the earth" (v.23), and as he did, he saw God weeping (v.29), and like me and all my questions, Enoch asked a very human, very down to earth question himself. He said to God, "How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?" Then, Enoch goes on for two more verses rehearsing the scope and depth and height of God's power and influence and ends repeating his question, "How is it that thou canst weep?" With new ears and with an empathy for God that I would never, in a million years, have thought possible, I heard God's answer in verses 32-40, summarized in one sentence: I weep for my children who will not choose to join me in Eternal Life, but instead choose the way of suffering and death. And I knew what I had never before supposed: not even God can force a man to choose righteously. If He did, the whole plan of salvation would be destroyed.

And so it is that in searching the scriptures and seeking the Spirit of the Lord to open them to my heart and mind, I found that He knows, firsthand, the sorrow that comes from honoring another's right to determine their own experienceswhether they be for good or for evil. Ultimately, everyone must stand back and allow even the person most dear to them to choose for themselves. God is no stranger to the tears that fall when we must let go of someone, even while loving them with all our hearts. He longs for us all to come Home to Him, but even as this one last scripture conveys, He knows some of us will not receive what He is offering:

And they who remain shall also be quickened; nevertheless, they shall return again to their own place, to enjoy that which they are willing to receive, because they were not willing to enjoy that which they might have received. (Doctrine and Covenants 88:32.)

Trusting the Lord to Work This Change in Your Heart As You Seek to Be "A True Follower of Christ"

Learning to love both ourselves and others in harmony with Christ's perfect love takes time, of course. It's not something that we can just ask for and have instantly. Neither can we have it by acting like we have it. At least in my life, I have found this to be true. Despite all the injunctions to act "Christ-like," I never could sustain the goal of being like Him. It was not until I began to study and apply the Twelve Steps for myself that I was able to access the miracle of feeling the peace of Christ and His mutual love for both me and my addicted loved ones. As I said earlier, this has not been an overnight change. Still, I refuse to give up on myself, and I continue to feel myself gradually developing a degree of love that is not only "Christ-like," but is literally given to me by the Lord Omnipotent who is the only One who can work such a mighty change in my heart. (See Mosiah 5:2.)

For most of us, this change happens gradually, with quite a few ebbs and flows, slips and recommitments. Just like the addict who is willing to humbly persist at his recovery, we family members must be willing to accept the process of change in ourselves. Here again, we find in our Savior an empathy and understanding for our mutual battle against the temptations of Satan, our common enemy. With charity for each other, we can be certain of being able to last through it all and come out triumphant in our relationships.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen. (Moroni 7:48)

HRH Neenerita Queen of Alot
LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM,
BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

Shifting Our Thinking and Bridging the Gap By M. Catherine Thomas

2010-02-26T08:24:00.001-07:00

M E R I D I A N M A G A Z I N E

Shifting Our Thinking and Bridging the Gap
Part I: The First Shift
By M. Catherine Thomas

I remember a liberating experience I had during our mission in the Canary Islands. We were staying in the old mission home on Gran Canaria, up toward the top of a mountain. We had just returned from some diligent teaching. I was feeling that I hadn't done a good enough job. When I was alone, I knelt down and told the Lord how sorry I was, how I had let Him down, and so on -- all my self-doubt surfacing. In the middle of praying, a voice suddenly said to me, "Stop it! Stop evaluating yourself and just come to Me." My whole neurotic life passed before me, and I saw how much time I had wasted feeling apologetic about my own performance. How often anxiety replaces the comfort of the Gospel! I've come to realize what a red-flag that is and how it signals the false assumptions we carry.

I have continued thinking about self-evaluation as I hear people say, "I know I should be doing more," or "I should have done better." I hear shame, guilt, self-criticism, and self-dislike, and "I'm just not good enough," and "I'm just not making it." And these are often conscientious people doing the best they know how. Since I have felt and said all these things, I empathize I know these feelings.

But the problem with these feelings of self-discontent is that they can create a gap between us and the Lord, make routine and superficial our relationship with Him, and preclude any sort of strong faith. We put all the evidence of our spiritual adequacy in the doing basket, in the checking off the things required of us but neglect the aspect of our being with Him, without which we have not come to Christ but we don't know how to bridge this gap.

So, if we're trapped in shame, guilt, inadequacy, fear, despair, or spiritual apathy, and as members of the Lord's Church and know we won't light a cigarette or reach for a drink to take the edge off, we may just reach for a pill or maybe just leave the Church, (emotionally, if not physically), looking for some comfort. But these actions don't solve the problem. Let me say that finding greater spiritual comfort is not so much, in my experience, a matter of trying harder, but of shifting our thinking.

Here is the first shift (I'll discuss a second shift in the next column):

We have to believe in the doctrine of "no-merit," explained in Alma 22:14: "Since man had fallen he could not merit anything of himself; but the sufferings and death of Christ atone for their sins through faith and repentance." And we have to realize that "deserving" is not the basis of this divine relationship: "Thou didst hear me because of afflictions and sincerity [notice that no deserving or merit is mentioned]; and it is because of thy Son that thou hast been thus merciful unto me, wherefore I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions, for in thee is my joy." (Alma 33:11).

My experience is that the Voice is still speaking saying, "Stop creating obstacles and just come to Me; the transformation is in Me."

But how to stop skating along the surface and plunge deeply into the bosom of the Savior where a different vision opens up? Moroni counsels, "Come unto Christ and be perfected IN Him"not alone out in the raw and lonely world; he says, "deny yourselves of all ungodliness" and "love God with all your might, mind, and strength" (Moroni 10:32). This verse describes what we are to teach our mind and heart to do during the day-to-day. No half-measures fully turn the key.

But it takes a while to identify the ungodliness, (even though the Spirit has been gently pointing it out for some time), and to let it go; and it takes a while to let this Love develop under all the layers we have laid over it. But as the ungodliness retreats, the Love emerges, and these practices become transformative.

And once we take the Lord seriously and stop treating lightly the things we have received (see D&C 84:54), then all the petty aberrations in our soul that loomed so large in our inner vision seem to thin and fade into nothingness, leaving us clean and content to be who we are as we humble ourselves and grow better in the warm bosom of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Shifting Our Thinking: The Second Shift
By M. Catherine Thomas

Last time, we considered the First Shift in our thinking to help us come to Christ. We saw that one of the hardest things for conscientious people to accept is that all our unworthiness, failings, inadequacy, and all that we lament in ourselves, have already been paid for in a way, they're a given; taken for granted. The Lord's Atonement makes it possible for Him to issue a very sweet invitation just to come to Him. We resist this gift, but it can open a new dimension and change everything.

We also saw how refusing the gift and indulging in negative self-evaluation can plunge us into powerlessness. But the Plan of Happiness is so designed that first we come to Him and then we work out things with Him. The spirit of this free gift is captured in a poem I want to share with you. Here we have a dialogue between Love, who represents the Lord Jesus Christ, and a Sinner, who represents any one of us. The setting seems to be an abundant feast:

Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack'd anything.

"A guest," I answer'd, "worthy to be here";
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand and smiling did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.1

This poem describes things-as-they-really-are: the right to come to Him is a free gift, no matter how much dust and sin.

Now, as to a second shift we could make in our thinking, we turn our minds to what has happened to us since we left that premortal world of Light and entered this narrower, darker world, reduced from our premortal capacities, and our memory veiled. We see that without the memory of who we really are, we begin to create something of an artificial self, a mortal overlay,2 where false perceptions and distortion layer over the brilliant, eternal, premortal spirit. As this artificial overlay accumulates with stuff, our fears, our personality distortions, our weaknesses, our pride, our blindness, our contraction of spirit, our controlling behaviors, our unlove, all these begin to lodge in the overlay, acting like mists and clouds over our brilliance and beauty, troubling our behavior and experience.

But the Savior lifts the veil for us when He tells us who we really are:"Ye were also in the beginning with the Father; that which is Spirit, even the Spirit of truth" (D&C 93:23); and, "The day shall come [that you shall know] . . . that I am the true light that is in you, and that you are in me; otherwise ye could not abound. Because we are of the Spirit of Truth, and because Christ's Light of Truth gives our soul life, there are many transcendent and divine qualities in us. We can't help it that's just who we are.

Our problem lies in our identifying more with our artificial self than with our eternal self. But we can choose to stop identifying with this false self's doubt and negativity, and awaken more to our eternal self which holds these transcendent qualities. These qualities include Reverence for All Life, Pure Love, Perfect Faith, and an innate ability to Commune with the Lord.

There's one additional step we can consider here that helps us identify more with our transcendent qualities: the Lord invites us to use our mind in a deliberate way, in a meditative way, so as to open access in our soul to Him: "Pray always and I will pour out my Spirit upon you." (D&C 19:38-41); "Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not" (D&C 6:36); "If your eye [mind] be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you. Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God." (D&C 88:67); and "[They that] always remember Him may always have his Spirit to be with them" (Moroni 4:3).

The reason we don't do this form of meditation (if we don't) is that we think it won't make any difference but I testify that it does, because the way we use our mind either blocks or opens our spiritual experience. If we knew how much depended on using our mind the way the Lord has instructed, in quiet sitting time or as we go mindfully about our life, we'd make every effort to find creative ways to remind ourselves to do it, until like a pump that needs priming, Spirit flows to us.

Next week we'll consider an additional meditative step for encouraging our transcendent qualities and enjoying the freedom that comes from reclaiming them.

1 "Love (III)," by George Herbert.

2 Allen Bergin's term.

HRH Neenerita Queen of Alot
LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM,
BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

Nephi's Question and Moroni's Answer By H. Wallace Goddard

2010-02-26T08:17:00.001-07:00

M E R I D I A N M A G A Z I N E

Nephi's Question and Moroni's Answer
By H. Wallace Goddard

Nephi grieved from the depths of his heart:

My heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. (2 Nephi 4:17)

Can you feel Nephi's pain? He was not merely saddened by his errors, he was grieving his humanness. He was sorrowing for his sins. And he felt bound to them and bounded by them. He hated the fetters of sin!

I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. (2 Nephi 4:18)

As much as Nephi loved God, his rejoicing felt inauthentic when his life was so riddled with error, weakness---let's use the word: sin.

And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; (2 Nephi 4:19)

Nephi poignantly poses the questions that burden earnest seekers of goodness. Why can't I overcome sin? Why, when I know so much and try so hard, does it continue to bedevil me? Why aren't I better than I am when He helps me as much as He does?

His whole soul cried out. His spirit yearned to be set free of the exhausting gravity of frailty, imperfection, weakness, lack of resolvethere it is again: sin.

We may be tempted to soften Nephi's point by imagining that his sins were quite different from ours. He does not enumerate or detail his sins and we should probably not speculate about them. Yet I think Nephi would be offended if we dulled his point by blunting his message. He said that he sinned. And he knew that sin offended God and burdened his soul.

A Mighty Change

Nephi jumped right from the pained question in his soul to post-answer rejoicing with a mere acknowledgment of Christ:

Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

Nephi's relationship with and experience of Jesus was so great that he turned on a dime. He went from grieving to rejoicing with the utterance of the magical key. He did not give us the formula, the background, the process. He simply launched from earth to heaven. We are left amazed by the change without knowing the process.

In my view, that process was detailed almost a millennium later as part of the Book of Mormon benediction. In a wise and inspired note, Moroni revealed the divine process with elegant precision. As spokesman for Jesus, he said:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. (Ether 12:27)

Most of us feel that we don't need that kind of help. There are already plenty of people (including we ourselves) who are willing to elaborate on our weakness. Yet there is something extraordinary about the way Jesus does that. He invites us to bring our weakness to Him so He can remove it. He doesn't see us evaluatively but redemptively.

Moroni continued to deliver Jesus' invitation:

I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;

Weakness is heavenly-designed! Given heaven's hatred of imperfection, there must be a good reason to provide it; Heaven must place unbelievable value on humility! Maybe humility is the gate to redemption?

My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me;

There is the magical combination: our humility and His grace! When we set aside our preferences, our agenda, our demands and come to Him with open minds and hearts, He does magic.

For if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Paul's Testimony

Wow. By recognizing our dependence on Him and by showing our trust in Him, we open the door to becoming strong. Suddenly we understand the Lord's baffling message to Paul:

My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9, emphasis added)

When we recognize and acknowledge our weakness, our dependence, Jesus can make us strong. Suddenly self-sufficiency dissolves. In its place comes confidence in the presence of God (See D&C 121:45).

Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Let's be sure we understand Nephi, Moroni, and Paul's message to us: Weakness is the inheritance of mortals. You will sin. Since you care about spiritual things, you will be burdened by sin and weakness. You will hate them. But be careful. Don't try to set yourself right. Don't try to be your own redeemer. And don't stay away from Him because of oppressive guilt. Only One can remove sin and guilt. Turn to Him. Run to Him! And, in perfect tranquility, trust Him to carry you toward becoming "a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ" (Ephesians 4:13).

The Test of Faith

This is where faith becomes very real. Do I believe that He wants to save me? Do I believe that He does love me in spite of my persistent mistakes? Do I believe that He will embrace me and sustain me and lead me to an ever-better life? Do I believe that He has an exalted view of my ultimate place?

So the question is not whether we will sin. We will sin. That is the heritage of mortality. The question is whether we, having resisted sin the best we can, will gladly come to Christ. He canand gladly willcleanse our souls, grant meaning to our lives, wipe away our tears, fill our lives with growth, and award us Eternity. That is Moroni's sacred answer to Nephi's question.

Questions to ponder:

Have you noticed that, after sinning, you sometimes feel dry, empty, and confused? Have you also noticed that, as quickly as you throw yourself on the merits, mercy, and grace of Christ, that you feel lightened, refreshed, and hopeful? We may feel even better than before we sinnedbecause our weakness led us to much-needed humility. Usually this does not happen once-for-all. We must go back to Him in humility time and again.

What sins have I committed in the last week, day, or hour? Have I taken them to Christ so that they can be transformed into growth? Or have I allowed my spiritual house to become littered with sin mites that I try to ignore but which ultimately rob me of joy and growth?

Sin and weakness serve God's purpose when they send us back to Him, humble and earnest. Am I ready to round up my forgotten sins and general weakness and take them to Christ? Will I allow Him to take me to the next level of discipleship?

Rather than getting discouraged with any past efforts at self-improvement, am I willing to call on Him more earnestly knowing that only He can save me?

If you are interested in books, programs, retreats, or cruises by Brother Goddard, visit his Facebook page.

HRH Neenerita Queen of Alot
LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM,
BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

2009-09-03T01:19:00.005-07:00

I am so full of crab legs, Lisa took me for a pre eve of Birthday dinner.

She was so good to let me go cause it was not the best of Chinese food for everything but the crab legs, I told her how Randall Payne took me for my first crab legs at Sizzler a zillion years ago, and taught me how to eat them, although I have improved on my technique sure love them. Just had about 10 lbs of them, love those buffets. What the first pic doesn’t show is the 4 plates of legs waiting to be eaten. Figured Hunter and Austin would have given me a real run for the most

this little article has some good info on enjoy 7% LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM, BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

2009-08-27T10:39:00.001-07:00

LIFE IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE THE STORM, BUT HOW YOU DANCE IN THE RAIN....

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2.. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch..

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it..

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26.. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life..

28. Forgive everyone for everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change, be grateful for it all, it will teach great lessons.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come....

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.

I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

Parable of the Popcorn

2009-08-22T21:59:00.003-07:00

Parable of the Popcorn
Behold at the time of harvest the ears of corn did bring forth kernels, which were dried and prepared for the popper's hand. And then it was that the popper did take the kernels, all of which did appear alike unto him and did apply the oil and the heat. And lo, it came to pass that when the heat was on, some did explode with promise and did magnify themselves an hundred fold, and some did burst forth with whiteness, which did both gladden the eye and satisfy the taste of the popper.

And likewise, some others did pop, but not too much. But lo, there were some that did just lie there and even though the popper's heat was alike unto all, they did bask in the warmth of the oil and kept everything they had for themselves. And so it came to pass that those which had given of themselves did bring joy and delight to many munchers, but those which kept of the warmth and did not burst forth were fit only to be cast out into the pail and were thought of with hardness and disgust.

And thus we see that in the beginning all appear alike, but when the heat is on, some come forth and give their all, while others fail to pop and verily become like unto chaff, to be discarded and forgotten.

The Strength to Press On

2009-08-21T23:51:00.001-07:00

April 17, 2009

The Strength to Press On

Over the last week, I've had a lot of things come up that would have stressed me out a few years ago. One of my best friends is aware of these things and voiced her concern that there's just too much being placed on my shoulders, and that she's worried about me.

I thanked her for her concern, and I'm sure her prayers and those of others are sustaining me -- for I honestly don't feel any inordinate amount of stress. Granted, I've had a lot of work to do, and I've been a bit bleary-eyed; but over all, I am not feeling a heavy weight of worry or stress. Concern, yes. A sense of responsibility, yes. But not worry.

I've pondered on how I can feel this "peace that passes all understanding" when a normal person would be sweating bullets. I think it's because I have learned that no matter how bad things get or how dark the night, the Lord is in control and I am never alone. Carlfred Broderick wrote, "The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is resource in the event of pain." (From "The Uses of Adversity")

I have found this to be true. The Savior's yoke makes it easy to carry heavy burdens by making them light upon our shoulders. I feel like singing as the psalmist, "The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler (shield), and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler (shield) to all those that trust in him." Psalms 18: 2, 30

Or as Isaiah said, "Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation" Isaiah 12: 2.

One of my favorite ways to keep these things uppermost in my mind is to listen to music that reminds me that God is in control. He is my strength and will never leave me alone. One of my favorites is "Press On" by Selah. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Bg2cJ5bw2k

May God bless you and keep you forever in the hollow of His hand!

Posted at 11:13 AM

Fw: The One Flaw in Women

2009-08-21T23:44:00.001-07:00

What is The One Flaw In Women?

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working
overtime. An angel appeared and said, 'Why are you spending so much time
on this one?' And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable
parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a
lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure
anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything
with only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements. 'Only two hands!? No way! And
that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait
until tomorrow to finish.' 'But I won't, ' the Lord protested. 'I am so
close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She
already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. 'But you have made her so
soft, Lord.' 'She is soft,' the Lord agreed, 'but I have also made her
tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.' 'Will she be
able to think?', asked the angel. The Lord replied, 'Not only will she be
able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.'

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's
cheek. 'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you
that you were trying to put too much into this one.' 'That's not a leak,'
the Lord corrected, 'that's a tear!' 'What's the tear for?' the angel
asked. The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her
sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief
and her pride.' The angel was impressed. 'You are a genius, Lord. You
thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing.' And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love
and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for
what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice. They don't take 'no' for an answer when they
believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a
frightened friend.
They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer
when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care
about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning They bring joy,
hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family
and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR
WORTH.

2009-08-21T23:17:00.001-07:00

----- Original Message -----

From: Ja Neen Fuller

Sent: Thursday, August 13, 2009 8:47 PM

8/13/09 for those of you not on face book, I am sending this to you as I have rotten news, I was fired today from the job of 30 years, at Desert Sam surgery It has sure flattened my sails to say the least. 'member me in your prayers please.

HRH Neenerita Queen of Alot